Twas the Night Before Christmas” ~ For Bereaved Parents ~

‘Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days,
That I knew I was facing – the holiday craze.
The stores were all filled with holiday lights,
In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night.

As others were making their holiday plans,
My heart was breaking – I couldn’t understand.
I had lost my dear child a few years before,
And I knew what my holiday had in store.

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound,
I sprang to my feet and was looking around,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The sight that I saw took my breath away,
And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near.
With beauty and grace they performed a dance,
I knew in a moment this wasn’t by chance.

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above,
That my child was still near me and that I was loved.
The message they brought was my holiday gift,
And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself.

As I knelt closer to get a better view,
One allowed me to pet it – as if it knew -
That I needed the touch of its fragile wings,
To help me get through the holiday scene.

In the days that followed I carried the thought,
Of the message the butterflies left in my heart -
That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead,
Our children are with us – they’re not really dead.

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears,
A message of hope – a message so dear.
And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight,
“To all bereaved parents – We love you tonight!”

found this at: http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=137649266293654&id=1394735912#!/topic.php?uid=134095379934833&topic=250

First Christmas

It just hit me. Had Tristan been born on his due date, this would be the first Christmas. My heart is breaking.

Got the call

FSH level is at a 9
We have a chance, another round of Clomid and the fight with the insurance company to cover everything. I'm starting to think injections are going to be our best bet but insurance won't cover.

I found this:
1991 Ohio Rev. Code Ann. Section 1751.01(A)(7)
Coverage
* Requires HMOs to cover “basic health care services” including infertility services, when they are medically necessary
* Diagnostic and exploratory procedures are covered, including surgical procedures to correct the medically diagnosed disease or condition of the reproductive organs including, but not limited to: endometriosis; collapsed/clogged fallopian tubes; testicular failure
* IVF, GIFT and ZIFT may be covered, but are not required by the law

Exceptions
* Employers who self-insure are exempt from the requirements of the law

http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/payingfortreatment/state-mandatedinsurancelist.jsp#Ohio

Just gotta find out if hubby's company is self-insured or not to see if we can force them to cover treatments based on this law. Like struggling with infertility isn't enough I now have to fight the insurance.

RE Visit

Saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist today he is telling me we have a 8% chance of getting pregnant naturally. I'm a little ok a lot crushed by this news. We did blood work to test my FSH levels to find out if I still have enough eggs to even try to move forward to with this. Hubby is also getting his sperm checked on Friday. Interesting fact the Dr gave us most of the time a women who struggles to get pregnant is paired with a man with a lower sperm count. So check the quality of my eggs and his sperm once we know the results we move forward with either drug treatments or adoption.

I went in looking for hope and left with the thought basically I think we need a miracle to get pregnant.

Please continue to pray for us.

Newest Development

So the doctor did call me to talk about the results, they found a growth similar to what I had when they found the Endometriosis the first time. She also ordered some blood work be done to check hormone levels. well my progesterone levels are too low, she doesn't think I ovulated last month. Why am I taking drugs to help with this that make me crazy if they aren't working? I just don't understand. I too believe the Endo is back because I've been very tired, having back pain and I've had pains similar to period pains for the last 2-3 weeks.

the decision I've made: time for a new doctor. I will be calling Dr. NeeOo Chin today to see if I can get an appointment. I think it's time to see a reproductive endocrinologist instead of my Ob/Gyn.

What a journey this has been - as I learn more about Endometriosis I'm starting to feel like mine was not treated properly and it was 100% going to come back because of it. You put your trust in your doctor because you don't know any better. I'm not the one who went to school for this, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you almost have to become your own doctor because they are not honest with you and if it's something they are not familiar with, shouldn't they refer you to another doctor that is? I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I need to forgive so this doesn't weigh on me. I truly believe that my path is adoption but my heart longs to carry my child inside of me. I read something yesterday that said "The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is" Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else is

So I am now going to choose to Lead my heart and not Follow it. Following it just hurts too much.

Doctors Stink

Had my Ultra sound yesterday to find out if my follicles are maturing. The ultra sound tech says I'm going to page the Dr I said is something wrong she says no it's normal for us to page the doctor. You should get a call later. (I'm not so sure it is normal so my mind is going through all kinds of scenarios) I wanted until 3:30 and call the Dr office myself. I was told my Dr would call me Friday I said well since we are dealing with maturing follicles here isn't this a timely matter. I was told your follicle is not mature and the doctor will call you Friday. I said I don't understand can you explain this to me. She says that's all I can say the Dr will call you Friday. Really I have to wait!!!!???? Now mind you I'm already upset because every time I have to have a vaginal ultra sound it takes me right back to the day of my miscarriage so now I'm just so upset and don't even know what to do with myself. There is a big part of me that just wants to give up and say you know what we just aren't meant to have kids and start saving money to move forward with adoption. I'm brokenhearted yet again. How many times does my heart have to break before I see the light? God, I need you, I know you're there, help me!

Update

Finally go my period on Oct 7 did my round of clomid and by George I think we have ovulation. Going tomorrow to have an ultra sound done to see if my eggs are maturing (not sure I understand this) I'll ask more questions tomorrow. But I've got what I call ovulation pains so this is a good thing. Maybe just maybe this will be our month. Who knows.

We adopted a dog a Golden Retriever/Bassett mix. She is super sweet and I love having her to focus my time and energy on. She is a wonderful distraction.
\

Oct 15

National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day.

Thinking of Tristan today and praying for peace to all the other Mommies of Angels who feel this same hurt of not having their babies with them.

Crushed

So had a talk with my husband yesterday about starting the adoption process early or trying IUI. IUI is out because he said "it doesn't feel right" Adoption has to wait until January ("it's what we agreed on, it's the plan") Plans change, I didn't expect that my cycles would get so out of whack after the endo surgery. Today marks 50 days since the start of my last period. I've taken 6 pregnancy tests over that last 2 weeks all negative. Well then last night he said the one thing that could destroy me, He feels we aren't responsible enough to take care of ourselves and now doesn't want to bring a baby into it. REALLY?! are you kidding me? I am crushed and heartbroken. My dream has always been to be a mom and now my husband of 6 years has taken that away. I am truly lost on what my next step should be. I really wish that I would have known that I wasn't going to be having kids before I married him not after 6 years. I can't stop crying and my heart is shattered. Please pray for me and my husband, I need God's guidance and comfort more than ever.

Bloom Day Release

Well finally did my balloon release for Tristan's Bloom Day. (only 2 days later) I was too heartbroken to write a letter so simply attached a card that said Happy 1st Bloom Day Tristan, Mama misses you very much.

1st Bloom Day

Happy Bloom Day, Tristan. {1 year ago today my baby bloomed in heaven}
Will post my letter and pictures tomorrow.

Pursuit of a Dream

Had my annual OB/GYN visit yesterday and left in tears. Being in the Doctors office triggered memories of my aftercare visit from the miscarriage. Then triggering yet again that I feel like an incomplete woman because I can't seem to get pregnant. My cycles since the Endo surgery 45-47 days Dr says I can't get pregnant with cycles that long. So we've started Provera to kick start my period and this month we move to 100mg of Clomid. I guess I just don't realize how bad I want a baby until I'm confronted with it straight on.

I feel like IVF is going to be our best chance, however since my husband is Catholic and checked the Vatican website and it states no third party involvement, I can take drugs to help it happen "naturally" but we can't use doctors to fertilize. Which means if it doesn't happen naturally then adoption is our only option. I'm just feeling like I'm broken and don't function right.

Sept 27 will be one year since Tristan bloomed in heaven so I guess I just need to be kind to myself during this anniversary time. I just keep reminding myself of two verses in the bible:
Isaiah 55:8-9 : For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts
Jeremiah 29:11 : For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

If you read this I ask that you include me in your prayers over the next couple weeks to help guard me against spiritual attack.

Scared and Hurting

The last two days I've been having pains that remind me of the day I miscarried. I'm very freaked out. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not I still have a couple weeks before I can test. But the pains I'm having are taking me right back to the day I miscarried. My mind is all over the place, I'll go from thinking oh maybe it's just a new baby starting to grow inside of me to, maybe it's just the pains of the endometriosis coming back. I keep praying for God to guide me and comfort me but my mind just can't stay settled. I'm hurting both physically and emotionally today, I just want peace, I'm scared that something else is wrong with me.

I felt like I had been finally starting to move on with my life (living with my grief instead of inside my grief) but as the last two days have proven that I'm not as far along in my process as I thought plus this month Sept 27 will mark one year since Tristan was taken home. My heart is breaking.

I know I have to be kind and patient with myself. TRUST GOD He is my hope and strength.

10 months

Today I'm trying to praise God in my pain. So hard to do really. Every month anniversary that goes by the more I'm reminded I still have empty arms. I'm am longing to hold my child, to hear him/her laugh, cry, talk, watch them play and develop. I feel like my life is not fulfilled without having a child.

I keep telling God just how much I want this. And His answer to me is be patient. Patience has always been something I struggle with. Time is not on my side in the matters of having children. So I just am so afraid my time will run out before it happens. Yes there is always adoption but after having the miscarriage, I just seem to long more and more of a child of my own. God's timing is always perfect he does everything just right. In HIS time my child will be presented no matter what the means it is all part of His grand plan.

I give praise to God, I work on turning my whole life to Him, yet my little human heart aches for what might have been. I miss Tristan even thou Tristan only grew inside of me for 11 weeks I still found a love and amazement with this little being inside of me. I still had many dreams for our future, his future, now they are only dreams and will never come to be.

I know God's blessings on my life will come but I can't help but want a baby now, in my time not His. I will wait because I have no choice but I will still praise God because that is my choice. His timing is perfect, I just need to be patient and give Him all the praises.

I miss you my little sweet pea!

Memioral Video

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Point of grace - There is nothing greater than grace

9 months ago

So its already been 9 months since Tristan was taken home to God. Sometimes it feels like it was just last month.

God is leading me down some awesome paths which makes me think all my pain and loss with my parents, Tristan and now dealing with a dying father-in-law. I am feeling guided to do grief ministry. I am in the process of writing something up for my church. I have also be invited to be a leader in one of my groups. God's hand has always been in it all. God is using every grief pain I have felt or not felt until years later to aid me to hopefully help others. Dare I say it but my losses are turning into blessings.

My relationship with Christ is stronger than it ever has been. I'm am finding peace in ways I didn't think possible until I started to have a stronger faith that peace and comfort in loss is possible but only through Christ. I am just in awe at the power God can have in your life if you just invite Him in and trust. And I truly have to say that Tristan was the cherry on top of my blessing sundae. Without my miscarriage I would not be were I am right now.

I know some of you who read this might not like what I am about to say but please understand where I am coming from. I can say though it does hurt I am thankful for the loss of my baby, Christ used it for the good just as he promises. God truly can use all our burdens, trials, troubles and hardships for good you just have to stop focusing on that one small event in your life and look at the bigger picture. I once read that sometimes when we look at the world as humans it's like watching a parade through a small pin hole. You can only see maybe one person at a time but the way God sees things is to view the whole parade as if from a satellite. So take a step back and try to view the parade of your life from a satellite and not just from that small pin hole.

Will I still have pain and heartache of course I will but the difference now is God is right there ready to help me make it through and here is the most important part I am ready and willing to seek Him in those moments for His comfort and peace.

Father we're so tempted to perceive the world we live in through the lenses of the materialistic people around us. It is so easy to want to accumulate wealth, to indulge ourselves rather than denying ourselves. Forgive us for losing sight of Jesus and his way. Help me to learn deeply what it means to take up my cross -daily- and follow wherever you go, whatever the cost. Teach me. I thank you for your amazing patience. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

it's been a while

Didn't realize its been so long since my last post.

Well lets see . . . I should have gotten my period on June 8 did not come took four pregnancy test 3 days apart each one was negative. Called the doctor to find out if the endo could cause irregular cycles and indeed it can. So she says if no flow in 8-10 weeks then I need to come in for further testing. So this morning I have spotting now I wonder is my cycle now 45 days long? or embryo implantation? I guess at this point only time will tell. I can tell you one thing for sure God is teaching me some serious patience.

Any way the reason I came over to my blog to post was the fact that I have many friends making posts on their FB pages about how their kids are driving them crazy and they don't know what to do with them. Well how about spend time with them, cherish every little moment you have. I didn't think posts like this would get to me but I would just be oh so grateful to have such troubles. My troubles include struggling to have just one little earthly angel. Sometimes I actually want to make a post about why don't you do stuff with them, go outside and play, play a game, go to a park, do crafts, short road trip - darn it! enjoy them for all they are worth because too many of us can't enjoy such pleasures. So this is my current hurt.

I can say that seeing pregnant women is starting to make me smile again. A friend reminded me that I don't know what their struggle might have been to get where they are. Maybe that lady you see had 5 miscarriages and this was the first successful pregnancy. Maybe they tried for 10+ years and it finally happened. They are choosing life that is the other reason I smile. Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy but they chose to bring it into this world. Pregnancy is such a wonderful and magical thing and I can only hope that some day God will bless me and some woman will walk by me and smile back.

I've been trying to keep my focus on God and less on my losses because God is using my losses for His good. God is the only source that can fix the hurt inside of me. God is the only source that knows just what path my life will take. God, Thank You God.

Something a friend posted:
Blessings are not always things which bring us joy right away. Some blessing come out of troubled times, and some come out of suffering. Through our tests, come testimonies...count it all as growth!

On the Right Path

You will experience terrible failure and crushing conflict on the road that leads to where I'm taking you, but it is the right road even when it feels like it's killing you. ~ 66 Love Letters (in reference to the message in Numbers)

So this tells me that I'm on the right road. I do feeling like my spirit is being killed dealing with not getting pregnant. I am on the path God wants me on. I just need to trust deeply and have strong faith. I know God is going to use me in big ways, I know my past is preparing me for what is coming. God is Good!

Another Month

Well another month and not pregnant. I also saw a very pregnant woman today and burst into tears. It just seems that as soon as I feel like I'm put back together again I fall apart.

Tried to have the adoption talk with husband again tonight too and it went no where. I just wish I could make him understand how much my heart hurts every month with negative results. Due to the endometriosis we have such a small chance of getting pregnant that I just don't want to go through this for the next 6 months while we wait for January when he has agreed to start the adoption process.

This is a big storm in my life I know only God will help me get through this. I also know that all of you wonderful women who read my blog and make supportive comments are such a huge support to me and I'm very thankful for each one of you.

God Bless and Love You!

Feeling Sad

Today I'm feeling sad. Missing Tristan so very much.

Since we only have a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant on our own I really just feel this tug in my heart to adopt however my husband doesn't even want to begin the adoption process until January. Last night I tried to talk to him about at least starting the paperwork for adoption. His feeling is that if we start the adoption process that we have given up on a biological child. My heart aches for a child. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy makes my heart hurt all over again. This is one storm in my life I just didn't see coming.

Just recently I listened to a recording of a service I missed at church and the statement that stood out to me the most: God created us to have storms in our lives. He made you with a storm in mind and He is preparing you for that storm.

My heart is heavy today I am working on just letting go of it all so I can let God. I have to give up my plans so His plans can be revealed to me. Being human, having free will that is what stands in my way of a perfect relationship with Christ.

I've started reading: From God to you: 66 Love letters: A conversation with God that invites you into His Story - by Larry Crabb

Here is the first statement that stands out to me: I don't want you to be afraid of failure, or you will live for success. And I don't want you to be afraid that things in your life will go wrong--they will--or that you will feel empty--you will. If you fear problems or emptiness, you will live for comfort and fulfillment. And that will just complicate the mess you've already made. ~66 Love Letters

I wanted to share this because most people today live for "comfort and fulfillment" instead of just living for God. God does promise us wonderful lives but he also says we will have hardship too. My hardships, my brokenness is what has strengthened my faith. I am finally reaching for the hand of God that has been waiting for me for all these years. HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, HE is my peace.

Suffering

This was shared in our Bible Study tonight.

Suffering is not a sign of God's displeasure with you. Suffering often indicates that God is setting us free from something so that we can follow and embrace him more deeply. God wants to teach us how to walk with him through these things so we can know a joy and peace that transcends circumstance.

Bible Study Lesson 4

I am struggling to complete this chapter. It's all about anger. I don't think I'm in touch with my feelings around this issue. I have to read ever question 4-5 times and still struggle to understand what I'm being asked. I feel like I have a mental block this chapter. It is frustrating and making me angry that I'm having so much trouble completing the questions. Which is making me think maybe I'm just not as in touch with my feelings around my miscarriage after all.

I'm also deeply struggling to concentrate. My guess is the Devil does not want me to complete this - I am trying so hard to push through. Because I have not completed everything I don't want to call in to the group tonight but I will because I know that I need this now more than ever. I want and need to process the stuff I keep hidden away in that dark place no one can see.

I am feeling a great sadness today and just really don't want to feel these deep feelings right now. I just want to put on my "I'm ok" mask and keep pushing through this life. God wants me to process this stuff, God wants me to have a closer relationship with Him. He doesn't want me to carry this burden alone. I will call into the group weather my pages are done or not maybe I'll be able to process more with the help of the ladies in the group tonight.

Insight from Bible Study

II Cor 12:9
Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need my power works best in your weakness" so now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may work through me.

I was listening to Blessed Redeemer by Casting Crowns while doing this and something struck me very deeply.

God used Jesus in his weakest moment on the cross to save me! The power of God shown through in Jesus' weakest moment. Just as the verse says "my power works best in your weakness". Did God use Tristan at his weakest to save me yet again? God knew that my miscarriage would draw me closer to Him because He has always known when I would draw close, He has always known every step and motion I would take. And now using me in my weakness of grief to share His words and love with others. It feels like a full circle. Weakness = God's power.

I have never felt so loved and cared for in my life as I do in this very moment. My heart is filled with peace and love. The Lord is working within me in ways I could never even imagine. I am blessed. Thank You Heavenly Father! Thank you for making me part of your plans. Thank you for sending your son to forgive me. Thank you for giving me weakness so that you may be the light and force to shine through.

Bible Study Lesson 1

I have started the "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy" (Teale Fackler & Gwen Kik)Bible Study for the second time.

This really stood out to me from Lesson one:
God is offering you not only the gift of a child but also a time of intimate training guided by His loving hand. He wants you to sit down with Him and the scraps and He'll show you how to piece them together.

Lesson one talks about sharing your story:click here to read my miscarriage story

If you are interested in taking the online Bible Study check out Anchored by Hope for more information.

Found this

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.

I found this today online and wanted to share it.

God Has Big Plans for Me

Does it ever end?

I realized this last night . . . I was sharing with someone about my history. Dad died (heart attack) when I was 13. Mom died (breast cancer) when I was 22. Miscarried (at 11 weeks) when I was 34. Had surgery to removed endometriosis and lost one fallopian tube also age 34. Now my father in law has stage 4 stomach cancer and has been giving 3-6 months to live (and I'm still 34) So age 34 not so good so far looking forward to 35. But here is what I've realized with all this loss and this sadness God MUST be preparing me for something really really big - because I've sure had my fair share of bad but all that bad lead me to the "Arms of the Lord" so it was all very worth it. And what ever He has planned for me next will make it all worth it in the end.

I sometimes wish God would tell me what those plans are but all I can do is hold on to a couple verse from the Bible that remind me.

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 5:3-6
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. 6 When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

No matter the direction my life takes God already knows where I'm going, and if I open my heart and ears and listen to His path I can not go wrong.

Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Happy Mother's Day

"Even if your baby lived one day inside of you, you are still a mother! Your body was with child; therefore, in a very real sense you are a genuine mother. That is special, and worthy of recognition. It is extremely important to give validity to the fact that you wear the cherished name mother. Am I a mother? Yes!"
source: http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=Miscarriage&ID=60

Today should have been my first mother's day. I guess it still is my first mother's day yet I have no child to hold in my arms. No child to teach and show the way. No child to give that mothering touch to. Deep in my heart I am a Mother I did care for my little Tristan. I know Tristan has picked the most beautiful flowers just for me I can see them in my mind when I think of him. I can feel the love of God through my little lost angel. I am a mother with empty arms yet a very full and loving heart. Waiting for the day that I will her the word's "Mommy I love you" said out loud and not just from my heart.

A letter from your heavenly father.

A friend gave me this and I wanted to share it.

This is His Love Letter to you!

To My Dear Children,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Ps 139:1)
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2)
I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3)
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-30)
For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27)
In me you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28)
I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5)
I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12)
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16)
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26)
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)
And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6)
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44)
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (I John 4:16)
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (I John 3:1)
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (I John 3:7)
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11)
For I am the perfect Father. (Matthew 5:48)
Every good gift you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)
For I am your provider and I meet your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. (Psalm 139:17-18)
And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40)
For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3)
For if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29)
So, Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)
For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18)
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11)
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I will take away all the pain you have
suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4)
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23)
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so that
you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5;18-19)
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (I John 4:10)
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32)
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (I John 2:23)
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-29)
When it's time for you to Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.(Luke 15:7)
I have always been your Father, and will always be your Father. (Ephesians 3:14-15)
My question is....Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13)
I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

With Love, Your Father,
Almighty God

Due Date Letter

Dearest Tristan Angel,

You would have been due any day now to enter this world had God not decided to take you home so early. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you my little sweet pea. Mommy has been through a lot these last months and I long for you just as much as I long to have another child. Only God knows the plans he has for my life yet I cannot control my longing to have a baby in my arms. I know I will get to hold you once my time comes to go Home but until that day I will forever hold you in my heart.

I hold on to the dreams that I carried for you my little angel. I never got to meet you in person, no photographs to hold on to, but I have forever been touched by your life I carried inside me for those 11 very short weeks.

My recent surgery left me with a scar on my belly and had you lived this scar could have been from bringing you into this world. It is a reminder that you are gone, that you didn’t make it. My heart aches to be filled with the love of children.

You will forever be my little treasure, a diamond in my heart. I am different because you touched my life. I am a mommy of an angel, God chose me to carry you in my womb and heart. You my little angel chose me knowing you would never see the world. That makes me special but it also makes me sad. I wanted you so bad and my heart is broken because you’re gone.

Only through God can I heal this hurt I feel so deeply. Through this my faith has been strengthened yet my human heart hurts. I grieve my loss and praise my gains, my relationship with Christ. Seeing the blessings I have here on earth and the connections I have made with other Angel Mommies. I am blessed indeed. I just need God to hold my heart right now, while I weather this storm. I know He is with me always and that gives me some peace in my deepest moments of despair.

Tristan my little angel, know that mommy loves you and is waiting for the day we will get to say hello to each other and never have to say good-bye again. I will continue to live my life here on earth always carrying you in my heart knowing when the flowers bloom in the spring that it is you saying hello and I love you, mommy.

Love,
Mommy

Side note: as I was writing this the song Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio. The words spoke to me in that moment.

Hormones??????

Feeling like an over tired 2 year old, a teen age girl who takes everything too personally and a woman who's hormones are all out of wack - I'm just a ball of joy to be around. God bless my husband for not killing me in my sleep tonight.

I think my surgery sent my hormones into a tailspin.

Home and Recovery

Had my surgery on Monday, April 5 to remove a pelvic mass. After several days in the hospital I am now home and recovering. Here is what we know. No Cancer - Thank God! The official diagnosis is endometriosis that is what the mass was made up of the scar tissue. It was acting like a glue to all of the organs in the pelvic area. I also lost one fallopian tube. Good news I got to keep both ovaries. I now have a very large incision that goes from belly button to pelvic area and is stapled closed - can you say OUCH!

The doctor says we should be able to get pregnant quickly after I am fully recovered and then once we give birth we would begin treatments for the endometriosis in order to prevent the mass from returning again. I can say I never want to go through this again.

The fallopian tube that she removed was filled with scar tissue. She said had I gotten pregnant on that side we would have ended up with a tubal pregnancy so I'm thankful we caught that. On a good note. The one remaining fallopian tube will be able to pull in the released eggs from both ovaries so we still have a good chance each month of getting pregnant however there is some scar tissue in the one fallopian tube I have left so still a small chance things may not go as planned.

So my husband and I will continue to try to have a biological child until January 2011 if not pregnant by then we will begin to look at the adoption process.

I can say that I am very thankful to God that we caught this in time to do something, that it's not cancer and that the adoption option is available.

the following is something I received the in the last few days that really stuck with me:
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me
that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Lord I thank you for the thorns in my life - they help me appreciate and grow closer to you.

Good News

Got some good news today. Blood work shows NO cancer markers. It's not 100% but looks like we are good to go. The true test will be when they biopsy the mass on my surgery day. God is good and my prayers are being answered one by one. Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and support.

Newest Update

Newest update: I have a growth is 22 centimeters in size, my surgery will be April 5th, I will be in the hospital for 3 days and then 6 weeks recovery time at home. Having the blood test done tomorrow for cancer markers. We will not truly know if its cancer until the surgery is done. (this is the nut shell version of everything) keep the prayers coming. ♥

the waiting game / prayers needed

I have been having pains which I believe to be ovarian pain. Wednesday Dr did and ultra sound which did not show anything, had CT scan on Thursday and I'm awaiting results. However a few hours after the CT scan I began to spot. I'm a little freaked out because what if I was say 4 or 5 days pregnant. I talked to the doctor about it and he said that the CT scan would cause the egg not to implant if that was the case. My heart began to break over that. I just am keeping in mind that I need to be a healthy mommy and have to take care of myself first so I can have a healthy baby but my heart is breaking just a bit over this and I hate that you have to wait for results on these things. I should know more late Friday or on Monday. I just need as many prayers right now as I can get.

6 weeks to due date

Wow! If I hadn't miscarried I would be due in 6 weeks. It has really hit me hard that I will not be having a child in April. I think a part of me was in denial about the miscarriage that maybe it didn't happen or the doctors were mistaken and I would still end up with a child. It's not going to happen. There is no baby to be delivered in April. I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It hurts now more because I'm finally reaching a place where I am accepting fact.

I also seem to grieve a little each month as I get my "monthly gift". It's another reminder that 1. I am no longer pregnant and 2. that I haven't gotten pregnant again yet. So I feel let down every time Mother Nature brings my gift.

I never thought this process was going to affect me the way it has. My heart is breaking, my tears flow freely, and there are only a few select people I can turn to who understand and accept the fact that I'm still grieving. People who have never gone through this don't seem to understand why I continue to grieve 5 months later but I think I will never stop grieving I will just learn how to live with my grief.

My dear Tristan never got a chance to enter this world but he did enter my world the moment I found out I was pregnant. My dreams and hopes have been crushed. Never in my arms . . . forever in my heart. Tristan lives only in my heart.

I know I'm not the only woman who experiences this but I feel so alone in my own world. The people closest to me just don't want to talk or hear about it. My husband is as supportive as he can be but doesn't understand. He says he never connected so he doesn't really grieve the loss.

Sad, alone and frustrated is how I feel right now. I want to plan a memorial of some sort for April 17 but just don't know what that looks like. I have nothing to bury, I guess I just want to honor and memorialize my little angel.

I'm calling out to God for comfort and support and acceptance. I really need help accepting His plan for my life what ever it is. I find comfort & support in His word and through prayer but the acceptance is what I struggle with the most.

Wanted to Share

The situation was bad to start with. The ruthless brutality of Egyptian slave drivers held tight rein over the Israelites, forcing them forward in their production of bricks and mortar. The blessing once given to the Israelite forefathers had been forgotten as a fledgling nation grew. A new Pharaoh called for the massacre of newborn little boys – something the Israelites defied. As the years wore on, the young nation though continued to live with its oppression. God calls Moses to bring deliverance to the people, but attempts to reason with Pharaoh are met with increased demands and brutality. In turn, Moses and his brother Aaron are blamed by the Israelites for their unmerciful condition. Hopeless with the despair of the people, the seeming failure of his own leadership, and the apparent inactivity of the God who called him, Moses laments in anguish, “God, why??”

The tragedies of life leave us with the same question, “God, why??” Let me suggest that we change our question, because it is a question that we may not get an answer to, and truthfully, we really don’t need an answer to “why,” but we do need an answer to, “God, where??” Where can I go in my hopelessness? To that question, there is an answer, and it is an invitation from our loving God who truly has not forgotten us. God says, “Come.” “Come to Me.” Just like Moses, come with honesty, with your fears, your questions, your anxieties, your disappointments – but, come. Hopelessness leaves us sinking in a bottomless pit, enveloped in its darkness. It is a despair that sees no alternatives, and no way through. It is a despair that wants to give up. But God says, “Come.” In Moses’ impossible situation, he went to God, and he found out that God was still there, and God was still in control, and God cared. “I am God,” He said. “I have heard the groaning of the people. I will redeem you. I will make you My own special people, and I will be your God.” When I come to God, He tells me I can rest. Rest is found in the quietness of His presence and in the grace of His promises – not “fix-it” promises, but promises of strength, of love, of wisdom, of peace. And when we’ve answered God’s invitation, we find it was our hopelessness that brought us to the path that led us to our God.

Source: Bev @ Thoughts Under the Umbrella
http://www.umbrellaministries.org/

How does faith and infertility meet?

I was online searching for how religion and fertility treatments meet. Basicly looks like the Christian belief is that something that aids the couple in natural conception is acceptable but if there is a third party involved it is not. So I can take shots or meds to help but no IVF or IUI or other treatments similar. One site even said that infertility is God's way of telling you to adopt. Harsh but it is an option I'm very open to.

James 1:2-5
2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

I am coming to terms with the fact that maybe I will not have a child naturally. It's not so bad because I remind myself that God does not make mistakes. That he knows my path and I'm just along for the ride waiting for instruction or waiting until I'm open to His instruction.

I pray daily that God will reveal His purpose for my life and that he will give me the strength to accept what ever it may be. I want children in my future but what is that is not God's purpose for my life? Can I accept that? With God all things are possible so with time and God's help the answer would be 'yes'

I won't quit trying until I'm told I truly am infertile I've got a few more months before we would start getting tested for it. My worry is my age - 35 this June. My weight - "too much". Maybe my focus right now needs to be on getting me to healthy state so I can more easily carry a child. Who knows maybe these extra pounds are what keeps me from getting pregnant again.

Saying prayers and hoping for the best.

Found this article interesting:
http://byfaithonline.com/page/in-the-church/infertility-mastery-or-mystery

an excerpt from the article that struck me:

And for the couples going through the suffering of infertility: Remember that our God is One who brings life and promise. An expanded appreciation of the story of redemption, and an understanding of the corporate-ness of our life together in the gospel, may expand our view of how we – even childless – can contribute life to this, our Father’s world.

As one couple wrote, “We might never look to someone and say, ‘She has my eyes.’ But God, please make it so that we might look to someone and say, ‘She has my faith.’” We know this well, because it is taken from our journal in 1994. Through our experience we came to confess more resolutely what we now teach our children from the Heidelberg Catechism: that as our Almighty Father, He truly is “able to turn to our good whatever adversity He sends us in this sad world.” The mystery of grace.

Why?

Why is it that some people "just get pregnant" they don't have to try and the end up with more kids then they can handle. Why are some blessed with so many and it's a struggle for others to even have just one. It's just not fair. To say the least I'm hurt, angry and frustrated.

I'm asking God to help get my heart on straight again, to strengthen my faith that it will happen in His time. God does not make mistakes so I just have to keep holding on to that.

I just never thought I would feel so hurt and almost betrayed when getting news that others get pregnant. But this feeling only seems to come when I hear of someone who already has 3 or more children and they are having yet another. I also get that feeling when I hear of someone who gets pregnant and is like well I got pregnant now I have to deal with it. Why God? When will it be my turn to be the mommy to a living child. I feel like I'm stuck in some cruel joke surrounded by people who are pregnant its torture on my emotional state.

But if God doesn't make mistakes than all these women are in my life for a reason. God crosses our paths for some purpose just as He has crossed my path with other angel mommies. I found comfort in the words of other angel mommies. But I feel jealousy, hurt, anger, and sadness with the pregnant women. I try to put on a brave face but inside I'm a mess.

God please heal my heart so I can hear you more clearly, You gave your son for me because I'm a sinner. I am lucky to be your treasure even when I sin you still love me and stand by me. God please set my heart right, help me see you don't make mistakes and that in time my purpose will be fulfilled and to accept the purpose you set before me even if it includes not having children. I believe Lord Jesus you are the light on my dark path. Only through you Lord can I be who you want me to be. I am thankful to be yours, I am blessed you have always been there and will always be there, You know my story before I even was born you know my path ahead oh Lord, I am your treasure there fore I am worthy of the path you lead me down. Thank you Lord for blessing my life.

Adoption?

God has laid it on my heart that I should adopt. I feel He is telling me to "save" a child. There are so many children who need good homes.

I presented this to my husband and he feels we should wait till January 2011 like we originally planned. But I feel so driven to adopt now instead of waiting. I really wish hubby could feel what I'm feeling deep in my soul. I have so much love to give that I just don't want to wait any longer. If God is to bless us with a biological child that is wonderful. But when there are so many children out there that need love and homes why wait to see what happens.

I have asked my husband to pray about it and see what God presents to him, but I feel he is so closed to this option right now that if God did lay it on his heart I don't think he would hear it.

I want this so bad the only thing I can even compare it to is wanting my Tristan. I long for Tristan just as much as I long for a child, be it adopted or biological its just time for me to be the mommy of a living child who needs love.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27, NIV)

For when the ear heard, it called me blessed, and when the eye saw, it gave witness of me, because I delivered the poor who cried for help, and the orphan who had no helper. The blessing of the one ready to perish came upon me, and I made the widow's heart sing for joy. (Job 29:11-13, NASB)

4 months

So it's been four months since my precious Tristan was taken home to God. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. Amazing how you can be going along thinking you're just fine and wham it hits you right in your heart.

I would have been 28 weeks along. Today I feel like a did in the weeks following my miscarriage. So lost and brokenhearted. Turning to God for comfort and courage. God has been my saving grace through this whole process. I truly believe that without my faith in God I would be sitting in a hospital with a mental breakdown right now instead of working the process and trying to make it through each day one at a time.

I'm so thankful that God stays by my side always just waiting for me to reach out to Him. God is my blessing in all of this. His comfort wraps me up like a blanket.

I just wish people would stop telling me I can have another child. Another child will not replace the one I lost. Would you tell a child that had a pet die that they can get another one? Would you tell a woman who's husband died she can always get another? Would you tell a grieving mother who lost a 2 year old you can always have another? NO! its not the same one can not replace the other. So why on earth do people say to women who miscarry you can always have another baby. I don't want another baby I want Tristan. I'm not saying I won't try again but a new baby will not make me mourn the loss of Tristan any different. I bonded with Tristan from the moment I knew he was inside me. That was my baby that died, my heart is broken.

The most comforting thing you can do is just tell me you love me, that you're sorry for my loss, and give me a hug. Don't try to think of anything clever to say. It's really that simple. Let me know that I am loved even in my grief.

I know I will get through today because although my world my be standing still in grief the world around me goes on. With God's help I will heal. I will never forget but the hurt will be healed and I will be left with Tristan's footprints on my heart as a reminder that even though I don't hold my angel in my arms I will forever hold my angel in my heart.

"sometimes miracles arrive
so tiny that we cannot feel
the weight of them –
and yet we are still changed,
and we are blessed none the less…"
I found this verse at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-sympathy-cards.html

Processing

I started the GriefShare program yesterday: http://www.griefshare.org/
The reason for me to start this program is my miscarriage of Tristan on September 27, 2009 brought forth with it the unresolved grief of the loss of my father July 8, 1988 and my mother April 26, 1998. As I feel I have processed most of my grief from Tristan I find now that it has reveled the layers of grief underneath. And I felt it was time to address my parent loss so that I can move forward in life with more peace and comfort.

Every event in my life has lead to this very moment in time. Every event in my life has lead me closer to God. If you had told me in 1988 or 1998 that I would be where I am right now I would not have believed you. I had felt forgotten by God. Now I know God was right next to me the whole time just waiting for me to call out, reach out and take Him into my heart. God now dwells within me and it is with His embrace that I will able to move forward through this process.

Day 1 in the exercises asks:
How would you describe your pain?
Answer:
Somedays its not there
Somedays I am numb
Somedays I weep
Somedays I can't function crippled by my grief
Somedays I feel like I'm looking out a cloudy window
Somedays I praise God for blessings
Somedays I curse God for the hurt
Somedays I embrace my grief for what it is
Somedays I try to avoid
Somedays I am kind and caring to myself
Somedays I can be as cruel as the outside world is to me
Its like my pain is a roller coaster with no end.

It takes longer to heal than most people imagine. What concerns or issues does this raise in your mind regarding your situation?
Answer:
Well considering it has been almost 22 years (dad), 12 years (mom) and 4 months (Tristan) if you don't process it early it will continue to creep up on you in your life. Based on my knowledge of things I know it will never go away fully but I would like to get to a place of being at peace with my losses and accept my grief for what it is.

A concern for me is how others might react now that I am processing it 22 & 12 years later. The outside world can be insensitive to grief and mourning. I fear being hurt by peoples words as I finally bring my unresolved grief out in the open.



Through doing this first set of questions I know that grief is natural, I am normal, and with God I am never alone.

Wisdom and Knowledge through God

Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Immersing myself in the Lord leads to better enlightenment and understanding. The Lord is truly the pathway to finding peace and freedom in this busy world we live in. By strengthening my relationship with the Holy One wisdom on how to move through this world will be brought to me. The Lord gives permission to be who you are and feel your feelings because he is there to comfort you when needed you just have to accept His open invitation into your life. He will always walk by your side you just have to allow yourself to feel Him. Reach out and hold is hand in your daily walk you will be amazed at just what the Lord can provide for you. Take a moment be still and listen God is always talking to you if you are ready to hear what he has to say.

Lord,
Thank you for blessing my life. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for your grace. Lord I ask that you help me open the doors inside me that I still lock you out of. Help me to remove all the doors in my soul so that you may be the one who cleans up the messes I have locked away. Through you Lord I will heal all the hurts I have inside. You are the only way to true and total healing.

God's Arms

Psalm 30:11-12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

God is healing my heart. I'm finally starting to move out of my grief. The more I release and trust to God the more I feel healed. As the song goes Heal the Wound but leave a scar. I don't want it all gone because the loss of Tristan is part of me. I just like that I don't have to suffer in my grief any longer. God is so powerful, so faithful, so wonderful. God loves me so much that he always has his arms out reached to me to help me heal. It's my job to reach for those arms and let them embrace me.

God's embrace what a wonderful place to be. No matter my imperfections God still loves me. No matter how many times I take my pains back He is waiting for me to release them back to Him again. No matter what GOD LOVES ME! Wow! God's love and God's people are the key to my healing and staying right.

I can now look back at all the things good or bad in my past and see that they were blessings. Blessings that lead me right to God's arms. It doesn't get much better than that. My life is one of God's blessings. How cool.

Lord,
thank you for your patience with me. thank you for loving me no matter what. thank you for letting me live in a country where I am free to worship You. thank you for helping me find my way. You have been there all along it was I who was lost but through you Lord I am found. Thank you!

A New Year's Wish

Author Unknown

At the sound of the tolling midnight bell
a brand new year will begin.
Let's raise our hopes in a confident toast,
to the promise it ushers in.

May your battles be few, your pleasures many,
your wishes and dreams fulfilled.
May your confidence stand in the face of loss
and give you the strength to rebuild.

May peace of heart fill all your days
may serenity grace your soul.
May tranquil moments bless your life
and keep your spirit whole.