Monday, November 30, 2009

Is there light?

Been feeling like a waste of space. I just can't get things done. I can't focus. I don't feel like doing anything other than being on the computer. I feel like I'm failing at life right now. I don't need the world to beat me down I'm doing a good enough job all by myself.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have no Christmas Cheer. If I had it my way I think I would skip Christmas altogether this year.

I keep turning to God and my bible for help and answers. I feel good for a little while after and then start to fall into my deep dark pit of despair again.

I do believe God has put me here for a reason. I have traveled my life journey for a purpose. I just sometimes wish I had an idea what that purpose is. I have never in my life felt so lost, brokenhearted, and sad. I want to move through this without avoiding but I'm starting to think I'm trapped here and can't move on.

I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Friday, November 27, 2009


There is a part of me that wants to have another child and then there is a part of me that doesn't even want to begin to think about it. I'm so afraid of another miscarriage and second loss. I can't let fear hold me back. God's hand is on me and what ever is meant to happen is what will happen. I have to have faith in His plan for my life. I am not in control.

There is also a part of me that thinks if I have another Tristan will be forgotten. I know I won't forget Tristan but others will. I can imagine how Tristan would have developed and I can visit him when ever I want. But would a new baby take my focus off of Tristan. Will others forget that I would be a mommy of two? one living, one angel.

I am confused on how things will be, but I trust God will take care of things. Maybe my loss of Tristan will make me an even better mommy to my next child.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

God's Angels

God has sent me some wonderful angels. They don't have wings or a magic glow but they do have hearts of gold. It's amazing how when people you think love and support you walk away from you because you make them uncomfortable. And then God sends you some wonderful angels and most of my angels are strangers. My heart has been touched and filled thanks to these wonderful angels. I feel so lucky that God puts in people's hearts to reach out to others they may not even know. My life has been blessed. One more blessing I can count to be thankful for. These angels may be strangers in that I have never met them but when it comes to the heart they are a part of me and my life. You just can't explain the connection you can get when you share such a bond as the loss of a child. It changes you and makes you see things and people very different. I count every blessing no matter how small it might be. My life is truly blessed indeed.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hope and God's Plan

God is offering you not only the gift of a child but also a time of intimate training guided by His loving hand. He wants you to sit down with Him and the scraps and He'll show you how to piece them together. ~ Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy by T. Fackler & G. Kik

the following may seem choppy in writing but they are some random thoughts after going through the verses listed in Chapter 2.

God's word tells me that His plan is perfect and His plan will lead me to enlightenment. I am being equipped for life through God's word. God wounds us so He can heal us. God gives life and takes life for His purpose. God knew me and planned for me before I came to be. God knew Tristan and planned before he came to be. We are both part of God's perfect plan. I may not see something as a gift but all God gives is a gift. God blesses our lives with His plan. I am a child of God therefore his plan for me is perfect. He is never changing. His love is forever and perfect. God will take care of me. God has always upheld me and Tristan. Nothing will be impossible with God. God knew me and appointed my life in the womb. God knew Tristan and appointed his life in the womb. Our eternal life with God includes our life on earth through our spiritual connection with the Lord. God's strength pulls us through. He loves me when I'm weak. He saves me when I'm weak. God is using my miscarriage in order than the works of God might be displayed through me. Sometimes we have to deal with bad things in order to see again. All the loss in my life has been part of God's plan to lead me back to His arms. God grace is sufficient for me. By sharing my weakness I am fulfilled by God's grace. God wants my spirit and I'm not to worry about my physical being. The kingdom of heaven belongs to those we have lost. Home with the Lord is better than the body. All you have to do is believe and you will be taken Home. Through God I can visit Tristan. By acknowledging Tristan as one of God's chosen ones I can reconnect because I too am one of God's chosen ones. I don't know the path or activity of God. My plan does not always equal God's plan. God's plan is for a higher purpose. God gives help through the spirit of the truth. He never leaves you. God comforts us so that we may comfort others. God will heal my hurts. Tristan's death is God's glory. Hope does not disappoint because it is put in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The past is encouragement to hope.

What I have learned. My miscarriage was God's will I can not change that. My miscarriage is going to serve a purpose bigger than I can understand at this time. Everything in my life God has planned out before I even began to develop in my mother's womb. Just as Tristan's life was planned before he began to develop in my womb. I have hope that I will at some point look at my miscarriage as one of God's blessings. Right now I continue to ask Why?

Why have I had to experience so much loss in my life? First my father (21 years ago), then my mother (11 years ago) now my precious baby. I know each loss has its purpose and I know a lot of the things that have happened in my life were for the simple purpose of bringing me back to God.

So now I'm back sitting in the arms of God and basking in His perfect love. This is a love I don't understand because I can't say I've ever felt love like God showers down on me. But I'm learning to just accept it for what it is and feel the hope God fills me with. If I take the time to listen He also tells me things wonderful things. He reminds me that I am perfect just how I am. That His love for me is never failing.

Though I still hurt over all my losses I do find comfort in knowing that God's plan for me was set in motion when He created me and that everything is going to serve His purpose. May He heal my wound but leave a scar to remind me where I have come from.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bible Study Starts

Tonight was the first night of my bible study. My reflections from tonight's group: I felt both deep compassion for the other women and a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because many of them got to hold and see their babies but then such deep compassion because I can't even begin to image what holding your baby can be like knowing you don't get to take him/her home with you.

It almost makes me feel a little lucky that my pregnancy didn't go that far but as much as I think on some level it makes it easier it really doesn't. We all hurt and have very similar experiences and if you have not been through the loss of your baby you can never understand what kind of grief you will go through. It's almost like a secret club of woman who put on this brave face to the world because the world won't accept that they are broken and hurt inside. But to each other we can take off our brave mask and reveal that deep pain and hurt.

It is very healing to know that I am not alone in this deep pain I feel inside. Lost and alone no more I have people to connect and share with. God put every hair on my head, the color in my eyes, the love in my soul and He put stones in my path to pick up and lead me to these other women.

I will may never know God's purpose for taking Tristan straight to heaven before coming to my arms. But God's plan for me is bigger than I can understand and all I can do is trust and believe.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Walk with a Purpse - 11/13

20 mins: Sometimes you will have outside sources taking you off your current track. Sometimes those sources walk beside you with encouragement. Sometimes those sources can hold you back but maybe its just that you need to encourage them. Other times those outside sources are pulling you along the journey to better enlightenment. God put each source in your life for a purpose to help you, for you to help or simply to remind you that you're on the right track and keep it up.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Walk with a Purpose - 11/12

23 mins: Today I learned sometimes you have to push yourself to do something you don't want to do. If you find you don't have time you need to make the time. And during the journey you may have obstacles and distractions. Stop for a moment and figure out a way to solve the obstacle. Work hard to keep going and block out the distractions. When you take a moment to move through it all you can enjoy the beauty that God has blessed all around you and inside of you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Walk with a Purpose-11/11

I've started reading Walking the Walk: Getting Fit with Faith by Leslie Sansone.
I thought I would track my thoughts after each walk:
20 mins. this walk taught me: sometimes you'll have hills you have to climb just slow your pace one step at a time and you'll make it up the hill you have to climb it because it is the only way home. Sometimes you'll be walking into the wind which can make things tough but if you listen there is encouragement in the wind. No matter what life throws at me I can make it up the hill and through the wind to get back safe and sound at home.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How long for Grief?

I have had no positive role models on the grieving process. I never witnessed the process of someone grieving a major loss. When my father passed 21 years ago I grieved for a short time and I remember my mother telling me time to move on, suck it up, that's enough. So I learned to stuff my feelings around grief. Then my mother passed 11 years ago she did not want a funeral so we followed her wishes. By not having the funeral I never got the closure I needed to heal from her death. Funerals are for the living to help them heal. So now here I am again with the grief of the loss of my baby. But this time I will not stuff my feelings. I will wail, cry, scream, laugh, write, go numb, but what ever the feeling is I'm going to feel it. I am going to process this loss. My therapist is telling me that due to the fact that I never got to truly mourn my parents deaths that it is making my feelings around my miscarriage that more intense. I believe it! Right now I'm in some of the most intense feelings I've ever felt in my life. Although I want to stuff them away and hide I push myself to feel and put them out there.

My question is how long does one grieve? But as I'm learning there is no time table and there is no right or wrong way as long as you give yourself permission to grieve.

I am so changed by this experience. I am so a different person now. This has just been such a significant event in my life. As much as I want to do everything perfect. I've learned perfection is over rated. So there is no formula to grief you just feel it as uncomfortable as it may be. I don't like being uncomfortable but I don't think anybody likes it. I do have my days where I stuff it and hide from my grief but then it just sneaks up on me and takes me off guard at bad moments. So I give permission to just sit and feel and the more frequently I do this the less intense things feel. Its a process and I'm working through it. Not around or over but right through the middle of the mess. I will come out the other side stronger.

Wanted to share

Be patient with yourself- give yourself permission to grieve. Think of grief in this way: the death of your loved one is a physical wound where grief is the healing of that wound. Just like a physical wound heals, you will heal--from the inside out.

Taken from

Monday, November 2, 2009


Just one simply word . . . Broken.
That is how I feel I keep praying, I keep hoping the brokenness will get better. I know in time it will but now right now I'm so broken I hurt so deep. I've just never felt hurt to this extent before. I lost my father when I was 13 lost my mother when I was 22 and now I hurt more than even losing them. My baby I never met, yet the loss of you has affected me so deeply. I think everything is finally catching up to me. Its a month and I feel sadder and more broken now than when it first happened.

My Walk in the Word message this week:
You're Not Going Under - Bible verse: First Peter 4:19 encourages us with, "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."

Entrust my sorrow to God. He has always been so faithful to me yet can I say I've done the same in return. God gave his Son for me. Can I give me and my child for Him? It's a question I struggle with daily. I feel so selfish in wanting my baby when God gave his Son so that I could be forgiven so that I can be selfish from time to time.

I hurt to my very core. In moments I do find some peace but today is not a day of peace for me. I just want my baby I just want to hold my little Tristan. I am a Mommy with no baby to hold. I am a Mommy to an angel, one of God chosen ones.

I am one of God's chosen ones he chose me to carry one of his angels. He has used me for some purpose. Sometimes I think it is to bring me closer to Him. Other times I think that this will be used in the future to touch someone else's life.

What ever the purpose I know God does not make mistakes. My life course what set in motion the day He created me. All my life trials were written in my book of life. I know I will come out of all of this stronger in the end but right now in this moment it hurts oh so much. Dare I say I feel depressed. I feel so sad some days that I don't even feel like I can function. My brain is in a fog, I can't think straight. I feel only sadness and when happiness creeps in there I sometimes feel guilty for being happy.

I know this is normal. I know I am not alone that others have walked this road I'm walking. And that gives me Hope the fact that God has brought others through this journey and they too felt happiness again, they too could move forward from their grief. I know I will never forget. GOD is my pathway to peace.