Wednesday, January 27, 2010

4 months

So it's been four months since my precious Tristan was taken home to God. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. Amazing how you can be going along thinking you're just fine and wham it hits you right in your heart.

I would have been 28 weeks along. Today I feel like a did in the weeks following my miscarriage. So lost and brokenhearted. Turning to God for comfort and courage. God has been my saving grace through this whole process. I truly believe that without my faith in God I would be sitting in a hospital with a mental breakdown right now instead of working the process and trying to make it through each day one at a time.

I'm so thankful that God stays by my side always just waiting for me to reach out to Him. God is my blessing in all of this. His comfort wraps me up like a blanket.

I just wish people would stop telling me I can have another child. Another child will not replace the one I lost. Would you tell a child that had a pet die that they can get another one? Would you tell a woman who's husband died she can always get another? Would you tell a grieving mother who lost a 2 year old you can always have another? NO! its not the same one can not replace the other. So why on earth do people say to women who miscarry you can always have another baby. I don't want another baby I want Tristan. I'm not saying I won't try again but a new baby will not make me mourn the loss of Tristan any different. I bonded with Tristan from the moment I knew he was inside me. That was my baby that died, my heart is broken.

The most comforting thing you can do is just tell me you love me, that you're sorry for my loss, and give me a hug. Don't try to think of anything clever to say. It's really that simple. Let me know that I am loved even in my grief.

I know I will get through today because although my world my be standing still in grief the world around me goes on. With God's help I will heal. I will never forget but the hurt will be healed and I will be left with Tristan's footprints on my heart as a reminder that even though I don't hold my angel in my arms I will forever hold my angel in my heart.

"sometimes miracles arrive
so tiny that we cannot feel
the weight of them –
and yet we are still changed,
and we are blessed none the less…

I found this verse at

1 comment:

  1. Amanda,

    So sorry that you are hurting. I can relate to the many insensitive comments that people make. I wrote a piece on my blog titled "The Value of A Life" not so long ago, as I was enraged by the thoughtless comments from those I refer to as the "outsiders". They don't know our pain and I'm glad they don't, but I do wish they would value our children. Like you, I bonded with Christian the very first flicker of his heart beating away :) And, I carry him with me each step of every day...I feel him in the rain on my lips, the sun on my face and forever in the brush of his wings against my heart. I feel him always, just as you feel Tristian always.

    Know that you are loved...I only wish I could give you a hug in person. Feel better soon my sweet friend.

    andrea at