Friday, April 16, 2010
Due Date Letter
Dearest Tristan Angel,
You would have been due any day now to enter this world had God not decided to take you home so early. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you my little sweet pea. Mommy has been through a lot these last months and I long for you just as much as I long to have another child. Only God knows the plans he has for my life yet I cannot control my longing to have a baby in my arms. I know I will get to hold you once my time comes to go Home but until that day I will forever hold you in my heart.
I hold on to the dreams that I carried for you my little angel. I never got to meet you in person, no photographs to hold on to, but I have forever been touched by your life I carried inside me for those 11 very short weeks.
My recent surgery left me with a scar on my belly and had you lived this scar could have been from bringing you into this world. It is a reminder that you are gone, that you didn’t make it. My heart aches to be filled with the love of children.
You will forever be my little treasure, a diamond in my heart. I am different because you touched my life. I am a mommy of an angel, God chose me to carry you in my womb and heart. You my little angel chose me knowing you would never see the world. That makes me special but it also makes me sad. I wanted you so bad and my heart is broken because you’re gone.
Only through God can I heal this hurt I feel so deeply. Through this my faith has been strengthened yet my human heart hurts. I grieve my loss and praise my gains, my relationship with Christ. Seeing the blessings I have here on earth and the connections I have made with other Angel Mommies. I am blessed indeed. I just need God to hold my heart right now, while I weather this storm. I know He is with me always and that gives me some peace in my deepest moments of despair.
Tristan my little angel, know that mommy loves you and is waiting for the day we will get to say hello to each other and never have to say good-bye again. I will continue to live my life here on earth always carrying you in my heart knowing when the flowers bloom in the spring that it is you saying hello and I love you, mommy.
Side note: as I was writing this the song Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio. The words spoke to me in that moment.