Wednesday, December 30, 2009


My daily devotional presented me with this:
When you ask God for a vision you're likely to be placed in a field of opportunities concealed under acres of obstacles. Then He will stand back and watch how you engage in the ministry of obstacle management!

And from a second source I was presented with this message:
That circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you.

I believe the losses in my life has hindered my vision. I've lost sight of the vision of my life. I just sit and do very little but grieve and escape my life. Is this God's vision for my life? I think not. I need to refocus on what God's purpose is for me. My life has had so many obstacles and my obstacle management was simply to avoid them instead of overcome them. When you avoid obstacles they pile up until you are ready to deal with them head on. And to take them all at once head on is overwhelming. I need to line them up and now face them one at a time, take them on and work through them this time not avoid them.

The loss of Tristan has allowed a number of unresolved obstacles to present themselves to me. It's no wonder why I'm avoiding life - I'm simply overwhelmed by all the obstacles piling up on me at once. Yes I grieve the loss of my little one but I believe it has broken a flood gate of other grief. The grief of the death of my father, the grief of the death of my mother, lost dreams, lost hopes, feelings of abandonment, dealing with emotional abuse that I experienced as a child, lost friendships, loss of self.

The world can look pretty dark and scary when you are carrying around so much weight. My grief suitcase is very very heavy. It's time to start to unpack some of these obstacles that are standing in the way of my life vision. God has truly used my loss of Tristan to help heal my whole self. If I just peek over the pile of obstacles in front of me I can see that God has great things in store for me. Even more wonderful God is my strength to work through the obstacles this time. Through faith, love, perseverance and God's help I will make it to the other side of my obstacle mountain.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for your faithful love, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for seeing my heart, thank you for believing in me even when I don't. Lord you are the strength and way to overcoming what holds me back in my life's vision. Thank you for presenting me with the path to overcome.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Cloudy Windows

I feel like I'm viewing the world through a cloudy window. My grief has just enveloped me to the point it is making it so I can't see the world clearly. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. I am hoping it's just because of Christmas that I'm feeling this way. Once Christmas passes I hope to start to feel better again at least until my due date approaches.

I never thought that my whole view of the world and the things around me would be altered by my grief. I feel so empty without Tristan growing inside of me. I'd be about 22 weeks along if I still had Tristan. I feel like a lost soul. I feel like I'm defective or broken.

I do find peace from time to time with God but my earthly mind and body keep a hold of this instead of releasing it to God. One day I'm up, one day I'm down. When I think I've got myself back together again I get another bill in the mail in regards to my miscarriage. It sometimes feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I've been trying to think of my blessings. Something I did think about today is that maybe my miscarriage was to prepare me to love a living child even more than I ever could. I have a fear of not bonding with my child maybe my miscarriage was to help me want to bond even further. There is a part of me that fears ever having to go through this again but if I don't try then I may miss out on the greatest blessing ever to hold a child in my arms and love him/her more than anything.

I long for a child and some days I wish my husband would agree to adoption because there are so many children in the world who need a loving home. But I don't dare push right now because I know my view of things is very clouded and I'm having trouble seeing things clearly.

I know this cloud over me will not last forever but I do need some relief from it if only for a little while.

God, I know you have plans that I do not know for my life. I am thankful for all the blessings you have presented to me. Please Lord help show me the way to peace so I can have some rest from these intense feelings. Thank you!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Giving to God

Over the last week I have read and heard a number of messages that basically say give it to God, Give yourself to God, Turn it over to God. Today's message from Bob Perks - I wish you enough. Posed the question: "If I were there that sacred evening drawn by the light of the star of Bethlehem what gift would I offer Him?" Well based on all the messages God has sent my way over this week. I would only have myself to offer Him. My question is "Am I worthy to be His gift?"

He gave His son as my gift to live in this world, now my goal is to be a worthy gift to the Lord. As I work on changing the way I view myself and the world around me I noticed something. Why is it that the negative messages are given more power? In the news, in TV programs, even on the radio why is the focus on the bad things that happen in the world. If that focus was shifted to the positive would we all view ourselves in a better light? For women if the magazines didn't focus on the "perfect body" would we just accept ourselves as we are just as Jesus accepts us right were we are at. If the news focused on the reason for the season: the Lord of Lords would parents worry so much about getting that perfect toy for their child or would they just feel the blessing of having their family and friends gathered round.

I am working on bringing my focus back to the basics. God & Family. All the stuff just doesn't matter. Am I worthy of being presented to the Lord as a gift? Maybe not but I'm working on it. By being a vessel for His work, by giving thanks to Him for everything, by being a shining light in the darkness, I can be that worthy gift presented to Him.

Tristan was a perfect gift, never born into this world, never tarnished by the negative. I miss my little angel terribly but to think that God has used my loss of Tristan to make me into a worthy gift for Him (Lord). How amazing! If I pull my miscarriage into the light and view it out of the darkness. I see a gift from the Lord, a gift to mold and shape me into the person worthy of being presented to Jesus. My earthly body and mind long to hold Tristan, to hear him cry, laugh, to see his smile, to watch him grow. I some days ache with pain over my loss. But on the days when I fully turn my grief over to God those are the days I see clearly what a gift I have been presented with. Not in my time, in God's time. Let Go, Let God.

Jesus is the reason for the season. This helps remind me that thorough Jesus I can be a worthy gift not only to our Lord but to help spread the word of God through me. To stand up for what I believe. To live out the blessings, to share the experiences. God has been using me for His purpose from the very beginning of my creation. Every experience and brought me to the perfect place the perfect time to realize I am one of God's perfect gifts.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Rejoice in my Suffering?

This is some of my Walk in the Word this week. I found it very fitting:

Why is it that Christ seems so near during times of hardship? It's "the fellowship of His sufferings" that Philippians 3:10 talks about. Does Jesus know about suffering? Yes, He does. So when we suffer, we feel an affinity with Him. There's a way that He draws near to us like in no other way; as Hebrews 4 says, "He's touched with the feelings of our infirmities." First Peter 4:13 says, "But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Rejoice . . . rejoice. Twice in one verse, in the middle of a discussion on suffering, we're told to rejoice.

Why would I rejoice in my suffering?

Here's why: You share in Christ's suffering. You have a new understanding and new connection with Jesus. Some people say this verse is talking about a future time when we'll be glad when His glory is revealed to the world. It could also mean that we'll be glad when His glory is revealed in us - that we'll rejoice when we look in the mirror and see a different person, because the glory of Christ will be more revealed through our lives. Both options are pretty cool, and we can hold out this truth either way: there's a closeness with the Lord that comes through trials that doesn't come any other way. Rejoice in this opportunity.

James MacDonald

I love the idea of sharing in Christ's Suffering and that brings me closer to Him. To be able to rejoice in my trials and view my hardship as a blessing. What a tall order. I know it can be done but only through Christ himself. If I sift through the emotions and reveal was it underneath it all I can see how such a thing could be true. But its the devil who keeps me stuck in my emotions and unable to see beyond them. God stands right beside me the whole way whispering the truths and reaching for my hand to guide me. But I have to stop and listen and then reach for a hand I can not see. FAITH tells me that hand is there for me to reach for. FAITH is what I need to focus on. God loves me so much that no matter what I have done in my life He has stood by me just waiting for me to be quiet long enough to hear him and finally reach for His hand. Lord I am there. I know I have only been meeting you half way in the last couple months but I am ready to walk hand in hand with you. Allow you to be my one and only guiding light along this path I walk. You and only you are my pathway to peace and when I finally stop taking the paved paths in front of me and stop to walk the path you reveal only then will I see how my hardships and trials have been blessings only looking back from Your way will I be able to see how far I've come, and wonder in amazement how the heck I made it through and my answer will be FAITH in the Lord. Thank You Jesus!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trying to Find Hope

Still feeling very broken inside. I just no longer feel like a whole person.

The other day my daily devotional had this phrase in it: "What God has in store for you is worth any price you have to pay."

I wish I could say I felt that way but I'm so wrapped in my grief I can't even see over, around and through it. In my head I know God has great things in store for my life, in my head I know I will have another child in God's Time. But in my heart all I want is my baby Tristan. My little angel taken home before I even got to see his face. I feel like I have a battle in my body between my head and heart. I have to allow my heart to grieve but I just want the intense hurt to leave. I want to move on with my life. I know only time and God can heal this wound in my heart.

This is another message I've recently gotten:
God sends you fresh flowers every spring, a breathtaking sunrise every morning. If God had a wallet, your picture would be in it. If God has a refrigerator, your childhood scribbles would be on it. God is crazy about you.

I am thankful God is crazy about me and I know God wants no harm to come to me. I ask that God please make peace between my heart and my head. End the turmoil I feel inside of me. Help me see Your grace, help me find the comfort I'm looking for in your arms. I know you are the source of peace. I give my grief to you Lord, Tristan went to you in a pure state no pain, no sin, no grief. Lord help me regain that pure state in you for myself.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Turning it Around for Good

This message really hit home for me and wanted to share it:

Turning It Around for Good

The Weekly Walk

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

With all due respect to Rabbi Kushner, God does allow bad things to happen to good people. He doesn't cause them, but He doesn't prevent them either. The world is free and God doesn't very often step in and alter the fact that the effects of sin are visiting themselves randomly upon the creation. So God lets trials happen to the Christian just like He lets them happen to the pagans so that the superiority of the life lived in God can be demonstrated through our lives. The majority of the world is choosing not to worship God, but a few of us, by God's grace, can draw down upon God's promised resources to get us through.

God did not cause the horrible events in your life, but you need to embrace the fact that He allowed them. God could not make a world in which we are free and at the same time guarantee that everyone would choose Him. So the world is broken and bad things happen. But God promises that He will be with those who love Him. He will bring us through the fire, and we will come forth as gold.

God allowed Paul to suffer a "thorn . . . in the flesh." Paul said that God allowed "a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited" (2 Corinthians 12:7). Paul understood that God allowed this pain in his life for a reason. God allowed a demon to harass, or buffet Paul. The word buffet means to strike with a fist or beat. But God permitted it with a purpose: to keep [Paul] from being conceited.

God is so sovereign. He's so much in control that even when Satan tries to ruin our lives, God takes the weapon that Satan wants to use to destroy us and turns it into a good thing. God says, "If you will lean hard on Me in the midst of this difficult time, I’ll take that thorn and make it for your good."

We all have a thorn. We all have something that God has allowed into our lives that Satan meant for our destruction but that God has turned around to help us grow and change.

James MacDonald

Friday, December 4, 2009

Little Bell

As I read this story I saw Little Bell as God waiting for me to move Him to the front of my life.

Little Bell

Hidden in the back of the tree, deep in the branches, Little Bell
hung out of sight. Her brass surface was tarnished and scratched after
four generations of Christmas. The pretty glass ornaments hung on the
outer branches for all to see, but Little Bell was out of sight.

Little Bell looked through the branches. She saw the other ornaments
and was sad. She saw the ceramic Santa, with the package in his hands.
The package was torn by a little boy, who thought there was a present
inside. Santa's head had chips from years of being hung and put away.
The Santa ornament was damaged, but still placed near the front of the
tree for all to see. Little Bell was way in the back - hidden. All the
ornaments Bell hung with through the years, were at the front of the
tree, but Bell was alone.

Little Bell remembered when she hung at the front of the tree.
Christmas came. Boxes were carried to the living room and opened. The
tree was placed in the center the large room. Hands reached into the
boxes. Bell, her brass surface shining brightly, would be lifted from
a box. The hand would shake her, and she would ring with joy. Her sound
brought smiles to those who held her. She'd be placed in the front and
center of the tree, for all to admire.

One year, smaller hands held her. They helped the big hands. The
little hands hung Bell in the right place, but they could not leave
little bell alone. They'd touch Bell to make her ring, but the big
hands told them, "No! You might knock the tree down." Bell was hung
higher, away from the little hands.

Over the years, the little hands grew larger, and the big hands
allowed them to touch her. They placed her on the tree and would allow
the smaller hands to move her.

A game began. Bell was moved around the tree. The one who found
her, got to hang her in a new place. Bell was hidden in the deepest
and darkest places of the tree. She waited patiently, until the smaller
hands found her, made her ring, and then move her to a new spot. Little
Bell was the favorite ornament on the tree. She was proud.

After many years, the little hands got bigger. They hid her on
the tree, and Little Bell hung hidden from view - forgotten. The game
was over. Bell was sad. She hung alone at the back of the tree.

Years later, one of the big hands handed Little Bell to one of
the small hands that had grown. "This is yours. Take Little Bell with you."

The next Christmas, Bell was placed in the front of the tree.
Her brass was tarnished, but her ring was pure. She made the hand
thing smile. She was happy.

A few Christmas' later, new small hands were putting "Little Bell"
on the tree. They played the game bell loved. Bell waited for the
little hands to find her. They moved her around the tree. Little Bell
loved the game. She was the center of attention again. The other
ornaments hung brightly on the tree, but Little Bell, who was
hidden, was the one the hands reached for.

Those new little hands grew bigger, and Little Bell was once
again placed on the tree, her surface dull and tarnished from years
of use. She was placed deep in the tree, hidden from view. The big
hands still playing the game, but there were no little hands to
look for her.

Little Bell was sad.

One day, a big hand reached out to her, "This is a pretty
ornament! Where did it come from?"

The other 'Big Hand' said, "That is the Little Bell. I played
with it when I was a kid. My brothers and I hid it on the tree and
took turns trying to find it. Mom knew I loved it and gave it to
me, so her grandkids could play the game I did.

The new "Big Hand" took Little Bell, polished her brass, and
hung her at the front of the tree. Little Bell's brass reflected
the lights and glowed with pride. The "Hand" removed ornaments
around Little Bell, so she would have her own special spot on the
tree. After years of hiding, Bell now hangs in a special spot at
the front of the tree, but prays for the day little hands will
once again hide her.

Michael T. Smith
Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I wanted to post the poem but don't want to get in trouble for it since the poem is copyrighted. below is a link to read:


The hurt inside of me is so deep I can feel it to my very core. I hurt in a way that I can't even totally express in words. I just feel so empty, so alone, so sad and so angry. Why God? Why my baby? Why do I have to experience more grief in my life? Why do I have to lose yet another person I love? I just feel like my soul has been ripped from me. I no longer feel like a whole person. It has been two months and I still don't totally accept that I'm no longer pregnant.

Lost, sad, scared can only begin to express. I so don't want to be angry at God. I know He had a purpose for taking Tristan home before I got to see him. But a part of me is angry at God. I have to admit that much. God gives babies to people who abuse them. God gives babies to women who do not take care of themselves while pregnant. Yet He took my baby from me. WHY????

I need to this hurt to ease up, yet I don't know how to find comfort. I turn to my bible, I turn to worship music, I turn to food, I turn to wine, I turn to exercise, I turn to blogging, I turn to groups. I really want to be able to turn to my mother, I would love to have her comfort me right now but God took her from me too. WHY????

Has He left me alone so I turn to Him before all others? God's hope, faith and plan for my life is the only thing keeping me holding on. But then I hear stories from other women who have had to have more than one baby ripped from their lives. Why would God put a woman through this torment more than once? My heart brakes.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, Child; you don't understand." ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

No I don't understand!

Romans 8:28 tells me: And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

I love God, I trust God, I believe God. Therefore I am called to HIS PURPOSE.

God forgive me for being angry I am human with human emotions. I know you have a purpose for my life. I do not know your plan for me all I can do is follow. You created my story before I even came to be. You gave your son for me, Now I need to work on giving Tristan for You. Tristan was yours before you even blessed me with him. I hurt Lord, I grieve, my heart is broken. I know I do not walk this walk along for You are with me. Please Lord comfort me, help me see the blessings that will come from this loss.

Collection of Phrases

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home."

"In Loving Memory: Unseen and unheard, but always near, So loved, So missed, and So very dear"

Sweet little flower of heavenly birth you were too fair to bloom on earth

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal"

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"

An Angel Never Dies........

-Author Unknown

The Tiny Rosebud

The Tiny Rosebud

The Master Gardener from Heaven above
Planted a seed in the garden of love
And from it grew a rosebud small
That never had time to open at all
For God in His perfect and all wise way
Chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet
So think of your darling with the angels above
Secure and contented and surrounded by love
And remember that God blessed and enriched your lives too
For in dying, your darling brought Heaven closer to you.
~Author Unknown

Monday, November 30, 2009

Is there light?

Been feeling like a waste of space. I just can't get things done. I can't focus. I don't feel like doing anything other than being on the computer. I feel like I'm failing at life right now. I don't need the world to beat me down I'm doing a good enough job all by myself.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have no Christmas Cheer. If I had it my way I think I would skip Christmas altogether this year.

I keep turning to God and my bible for help and answers. I feel good for a little while after and then start to fall into my deep dark pit of despair again.

I do believe God has put me here for a reason. I have traveled my life journey for a purpose. I just sometimes wish I had an idea what that purpose is. I have never in my life felt so lost, brokenhearted, and sad. I want to move through this without avoiding but I'm starting to think I'm trapped here and can't move on.

I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Friday, November 27, 2009


There is a part of me that wants to have another child and then there is a part of me that doesn't even want to begin to think about it. I'm so afraid of another miscarriage and second loss. I can't let fear hold me back. God's hand is on me and what ever is meant to happen is what will happen. I have to have faith in His plan for my life. I am not in control.

There is also a part of me that thinks if I have another Tristan will be forgotten. I know I won't forget Tristan but others will. I can imagine how Tristan would have developed and I can visit him when ever I want. But would a new baby take my focus off of Tristan. Will others forget that I would be a mommy of two? one living, one angel.

I am confused on how things will be, but I trust God will take care of things. Maybe my loss of Tristan will make me an even better mommy to my next child.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

God's Angels

God has sent me some wonderful angels. They don't have wings or a magic glow but they do have hearts of gold. It's amazing how when people you think love and support you walk away from you because you make them uncomfortable. And then God sends you some wonderful angels and most of my angels are strangers. My heart has been touched and filled thanks to these wonderful angels. I feel so lucky that God puts in people's hearts to reach out to others they may not even know. My life has been blessed. One more blessing I can count to be thankful for. These angels may be strangers in that I have never met them but when it comes to the heart they are a part of me and my life. You just can't explain the connection you can get when you share such a bond as the loss of a child. It changes you and makes you see things and people very different. I count every blessing no matter how small it might be. My life is truly blessed indeed.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hope and God's Plan

God is offering you not only the gift of a child but also a time of intimate training guided by His loving hand. He wants you to sit down with Him and the scraps and He'll show you how to piece them together. ~ Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy by T. Fackler & G. Kik

the following may seem choppy in writing but they are some random thoughts after going through the verses listed in Chapter 2.

God's word tells me that His plan is perfect and His plan will lead me to enlightenment. I am being equipped for life through God's word. God wounds us so He can heal us. God gives life and takes life for His purpose. God knew me and planned for me before I came to be. God knew Tristan and planned before he came to be. We are both part of God's perfect plan. I may not see something as a gift but all God gives is a gift. God blesses our lives with His plan. I am a child of God therefore his plan for me is perfect. He is never changing. His love is forever and perfect. God will take care of me. God has always upheld me and Tristan. Nothing will be impossible with God. God knew me and appointed my life in the womb. God knew Tristan and appointed his life in the womb. Our eternal life with God includes our life on earth through our spiritual connection with the Lord. God's strength pulls us through. He loves me when I'm weak. He saves me when I'm weak. God is using my miscarriage in order than the works of God might be displayed through me. Sometimes we have to deal with bad things in order to see again. All the loss in my life has been part of God's plan to lead me back to His arms. God grace is sufficient for me. By sharing my weakness I am fulfilled by God's grace. God wants my spirit and I'm not to worry about my physical being. The kingdom of heaven belongs to those we have lost. Home with the Lord is better than the body. All you have to do is believe and you will be taken Home. Through God I can visit Tristan. By acknowledging Tristan as one of God's chosen ones I can reconnect because I too am one of God's chosen ones. I don't know the path or activity of God. My plan does not always equal God's plan. God's plan is for a higher purpose. God gives help through the spirit of the truth. He never leaves you. God comforts us so that we may comfort others. God will heal my hurts. Tristan's death is God's glory. Hope does not disappoint because it is put in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The past is encouragement to hope.

What I have learned. My miscarriage was God's will I can not change that. My miscarriage is going to serve a purpose bigger than I can understand at this time. Everything in my life God has planned out before I even began to develop in my mother's womb. Just as Tristan's life was planned before he began to develop in my womb. I have hope that I will at some point look at my miscarriage as one of God's blessings. Right now I continue to ask Why?

Why have I had to experience so much loss in my life? First my father (21 years ago), then my mother (11 years ago) now my precious baby. I know each loss has its purpose and I know a lot of the things that have happened in my life were for the simple purpose of bringing me back to God.

So now I'm back sitting in the arms of God and basking in His perfect love. This is a love I don't understand because I can't say I've ever felt love like God showers down on me. But I'm learning to just accept it for what it is and feel the hope God fills me with. If I take the time to listen He also tells me things wonderful things. He reminds me that I am perfect just how I am. That His love for me is never failing.

Though I still hurt over all my losses I do find comfort in knowing that God's plan for me was set in motion when He created me and that everything is going to serve His purpose. May He heal my wound but leave a scar to remind me where I have come from.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bible Study Starts

Tonight was the first night of my bible study. My reflections from tonight's group: I felt both deep compassion for the other women and a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because many of them got to hold and see their babies but then such deep compassion because I can't even begin to image what holding your baby can be like knowing you don't get to take him/her home with you.

It almost makes me feel a little lucky that my pregnancy didn't go that far but as much as I think on some level it makes it easier it really doesn't. We all hurt and have very similar experiences and if you have not been through the loss of your baby you can never understand what kind of grief you will go through. It's almost like a secret club of woman who put on this brave face to the world because the world won't accept that they are broken and hurt inside. But to each other we can take off our brave mask and reveal that deep pain and hurt.

It is very healing to know that I am not alone in this deep pain I feel inside. Lost and alone no more I have people to connect and share with. God put every hair on my head, the color in my eyes, the love in my soul and He put stones in my path to pick up and lead me to these other women.

I will may never know God's purpose for taking Tristan straight to heaven before coming to my arms. But God's plan for me is bigger than I can understand and all I can do is trust and believe.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Walk with a Purpse - 11/13

20 mins: Sometimes you will have outside sources taking you off your current track. Sometimes those sources walk beside you with encouragement. Sometimes those sources can hold you back but maybe its just that you need to encourage them. Other times those outside sources are pulling you along the journey to better enlightenment. God put each source in your life for a purpose to help you, for you to help or simply to remind you that you're on the right track and keep it up.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Walk with a Purpose - 11/12

23 mins: Today I learned sometimes you have to push yourself to do something you don't want to do. If you find you don't have time you need to make the time. And during the journey you may have obstacles and distractions. Stop for a moment and figure out a way to solve the obstacle. Work hard to keep going and block out the distractions. When you take a moment to move through it all you can enjoy the beauty that God has blessed all around you and inside of you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Walk with a Purpose-11/11

I've started reading Walking the Walk: Getting Fit with Faith by Leslie Sansone.
I thought I would track my thoughts after each walk:
20 mins. this walk taught me: sometimes you'll have hills you have to climb just slow your pace one step at a time and you'll make it up the hill you have to climb it because it is the only way home. Sometimes you'll be walking into the wind which can make things tough but if you listen there is encouragement in the wind. No matter what life throws at me I can make it up the hill and through the wind to get back safe and sound at home.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How long for Grief?

I have had no positive role models on the grieving process. I never witnessed the process of someone grieving a major loss. When my father passed 21 years ago I grieved for a short time and I remember my mother telling me time to move on, suck it up, that's enough. So I learned to stuff my feelings around grief. Then my mother passed 11 years ago she did not want a funeral so we followed her wishes. By not having the funeral I never got the closure I needed to heal from her death. Funerals are for the living to help them heal. So now here I am again with the grief of the loss of my baby. But this time I will not stuff my feelings. I will wail, cry, scream, laugh, write, go numb, but what ever the feeling is I'm going to feel it. I am going to process this loss. My therapist is telling me that due to the fact that I never got to truly mourn my parents deaths that it is making my feelings around my miscarriage that more intense. I believe it! Right now I'm in some of the most intense feelings I've ever felt in my life. Although I want to stuff them away and hide I push myself to feel and put them out there.

My question is how long does one grieve? But as I'm learning there is no time table and there is no right or wrong way as long as you give yourself permission to grieve.

I am so changed by this experience. I am so a different person now. This has just been such a significant event in my life. As much as I want to do everything perfect. I've learned perfection is over rated. So there is no formula to grief you just feel it as uncomfortable as it may be. I don't like being uncomfortable but I don't think anybody likes it. I do have my days where I stuff it and hide from my grief but then it just sneaks up on me and takes me off guard at bad moments. So I give permission to just sit and feel and the more frequently I do this the less intense things feel. Its a process and I'm working through it. Not around or over but right through the middle of the mess. I will come out the other side stronger.

Wanted to share

Be patient with yourself- give yourself permission to grieve. Think of grief in this way: the death of your loved one is a physical wound where grief is the healing of that wound. Just like a physical wound heals, you will heal--from the inside out.

Taken from

Monday, November 2, 2009


Just one simply word . . . Broken.
That is how I feel I keep praying, I keep hoping the brokenness will get better. I know in time it will but now right now I'm so broken I hurt so deep. I've just never felt hurt to this extent before. I lost my father when I was 13 lost my mother when I was 22 and now I hurt more than even losing them. My baby I never met, yet the loss of you has affected me so deeply. I think everything is finally catching up to me. Its a month and I feel sadder and more broken now than when it first happened.

My Walk in the Word message this week:
You're Not Going Under - Bible verse: First Peter 4:19 encourages us with, "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."

Entrust my sorrow to God. He has always been so faithful to me yet can I say I've done the same in return. God gave his Son for me. Can I give me and my child for Him? It's a question I struggle with daily. I feel so selfish in wanting my baby when God gave his Son so that I could be forgiven so that I can be selfish from time to time.

I hurt to my very core. In moments I do find some peace but today is not a day of peace for me. I just want my baby I just want to hold my little Tristan. I am a Mommy with no baby to hold. I am a Mommy to an angel, one of God chosen ones.

I am one of God's chosen ones he chose me to carry one of his angels. He has used me for some purpose. Sometimes I think it is to bring me closer to Him. Other times I think that this will be used in the future to touch someone else's life.

What ever the purpose I know God does not make mistakes. My life course what set in motion the day He created me. All my life trials were written in my book of life. I know I will come out of all of this stronger in the end but right now in this moment it hurts oh so much. Dare I say I feel depressed. I feel so sad some days that I don't even feel like I can function. My brain is in a fog, I can't think straight. I feel only sadness and when happiness creeps in there I sometimes feel guilty for being happy.

I know this is normal. I know I am not alone that others have walked this road I'm walking. And that gives me Hope the fact that God has brought others through this journey and they too felt happiness again, they too could move forward from their grief. I know I will never forget. GOD is my pathway to peace.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I've been Avoiding

My therapist wants me to write about my miscarriage experience. I have mild post traumatic stress disorder. When I think about that day the bloody scene in the bathroom at the hospital flashes through my head and bothers me greatly. So here it goes my miscarriage story:

I had gotten my flu shot on Tuesday and began to spot lightly about 3 hours later. I called the doctors office on Wednesday just for peace of mind. I was 11 weeks pregnant and told that spotting is normal at that point in pregnancy and the flu shot connection was only a coincidence. As the week went on my spotting continued and I thought nothing of it. On Saturday I start mild cramping. Still not really thinking much of it. Sunday I just felt someone wasn't right the cramping got much worse I called the doctor's office to talk to the on call person. I was told that it sounded like I was miscarrying and if I began to bleed so heavy that I filled more than two pads an hour I should go to the ER. Never did I expect what was about to happen to me.

I was sitting on the couch when I felt the rush of blood. I went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and just began to cry I was loosing very large amounts of blood and tissue more like about 2 pads worth every 10 mins. I sat on the toilet until my husband arrived at home to take me to the ER. On the way to the ER I bleed trough my clothes. I was so very freaked out.

I arrived at the ER walking in funny because blood was running down my leg. My husband went to park the car. The lady sat me in a wheelchair and I waiting to see the intake person. I wait and bled in the chair. I got to see the intake person she started asking me standard questions name, address, etc. I said I'm sitting in a pool of my own blood and tissue she responded your communicating just fine. The snack man came around and she was more interested in getting her twizzlers than doing my intake. I was starting to think I was in another land and wondering is this normal? She then got cold and asked her boss if she could turn up the heat all the time I'm sitting there bleeding out. I thought to myself is this really happening. Twizzler and Heat are more important than a miscarrying patient. On top of everything the woman was the slowest typist I'd ever seen (in the ER really?) So I expressed to her again. I'm sitting in a pool of my own blood and tissue. Her response oh do you need to change your pad. Let me get you a volunteer. (I was just thinking remain calm because I wanted to make sure I got good treatment and if I had gotten hysterical I was afraid it would delay things). So a volunteer with two tiny pads wheels me into the public bathroom of the waiting room of the ER. I continued to think is this really happening to me? I felt like I was in some kind of weird movie. So I'm in one of the stalls of the public ER bathroom and as I move from the chair to the toilet and pull down my pants there is a large splash. Blood is on me, the floor, the walls, the toilet. I was more freaked out about the amount of blood in that moment than I was about the fact that I was miscarrying. This is the picture that flashes though my head when I think of that day. It was like a horror movie scene with the amount of blood.

The volunteer now realizes the seriousness of my situation. She is praying over me which I found comforting. She went and got some nurses. She looked at the pads and said I don't think these will work. So I strip down in the public stall in the bathroom they give me gowns to put on and put down a large diaper on the wheel chair. I am then wheeled through the waiting room of the ER crying with blood everywhere and in gowns. I just couldn't believe it. I then hear them over the loud speaker say several times about the clean up needed in the bathroom and I apologized for the mess. I was so embarrassed.

At this point the most traumatic physical part of things is over. I'm put on a bed with lots of large pads laid out. But what I didn't understand was why I was left to just sit in my own blood and feeling the tissue my body kept passing. It's so hard to understand. So as you can guess I needed a D&C. My doctor who did it was wonderful and made sure that I knew it was not my vault there was nothing I did wrong. I really liked the way it said things though I can't remember exact wording.

I did have to stay overnight. No big deal however I was surprised when I left the hospital the nurse said to me are you ok. I said I'm as well as can be expected. I was sent home with no information or support on what I was about to go through emotionally.

That is where this part of the story ends and the rest of this blogging begins. My journey to emotional healing.

Something that comforts me

God spoke to me and this is what he said:
My child these tears I cry for you,
for I am a God of mercy
and I lost a child too.
for your child did not suffer
and my son died in vein
I am a God that's gracious in so many ways,
yes I took you child
but not because of anything you've done.
I gave you the chance to make me an angel
the greatest gift a mother can give to her God.
The mothers of my angels are special
that's why I choose you
but I'll let you in on a little secret
that will bring a smile to your face.
When your child was in heaven
before I sent it your way
your baby was my special angel
that I promised a perfect mommy
so as I set down and opened "the mommy book"
that precious little angel took just one look
and said "God I want that one to be my Mommy"
I looked with tears in my eyes
and said sorry no can do
that mommy she's not for you
"why is that" the little angel asked
I replied "for that mommy her baby will not survive"
the little angel looked up at me with tears in his eyes
"but please God for her . . I would die"
for I could tell the angel was so sincere
despite what I told him I sent him here.
As a smile crossed my cheek
a tear rolled down my face
to know of all the mommies in the whole wide world
that special little angel chose me.
- this is something that I found on the internet (I wish I could take credit for it)
A Mother Questions God Link to video

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Memorial Rock

I painted this rock on 10/01/09 in memory of my little angel. I find painting to be very therapeutic for me. The sad part is just last week the glaze on the pink heart began to crack and flake off. The symbolism behind it was very fitting because my heart is breaking and I too feel like I'm falling apart like my rock started to do.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Why do people act like nothing happened?

My baby was taken Home to God Sept 27, 2009. During that first week people were very supportive and kind. Now no one wants to talk about it or even acknowledge it. So is that all a grieving mother gets is one week? How is my loss any different than someone who losses a toddler or teenager? Do I not grieve the same did I not lose a precious child? Just because my child never got to walk or crawl this earth doesn't mean they weren't just as special. This is something that hurts me greatly. The way others act makes me feel like my baby was less valued than say a toddler or teenager would be valued. Just feeling a little misunderstood and brokenhearted.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

One Week

Dear Tristan,

It has been one week since you were taken Home. I think of you often and mourn my loss. During this week I have found that this experience has brought me closer to God. My little darling who knew that you leaving me before I met you would draw me closer to the being that created you, me and life as I know it. For the first time in my life I find comfort in the Lord during a very difficult time. I place no blame on myself, no blame on you, no blame on others, no blame on God; I just accept it for what it is a loss I can't explain. Through this loss I have gained so much. I have gained a love for God I never thought I would have. I have felt the love God gives. His presence is so real to me. He is touching my heart and soul and wrapping them in love and protection while still allowing me to feel the hurt just enough that I can handle. And when my grief is bigger than me He holds me just a bit tighter and reminds me that in time the hurt will lessen and that it is ok to feel and ok to cry. My tears are therapy, my tears are for you, my tears are for me, my tears are for the immense love God has given me. It is so hard to explain crying in sadness one moment and then just when I can't handle the pain any longer I begin to cry because of the grand love I am filled with.

My little Angel you never got to enter into this world but you have touched my life and made me grow as a person. You have changed me. I will never again be the same person. I am your Mother. Though my arms did not carry you my heart will carry you forever. You made me see that I am surrounded by wonderful people who care more about me that I thought people could care. You have shown me that I can fill those holes that have been in my heart for years. Through you I have experienced the caring and love that others humans can provide. Through you my wall to the outside world has come down a little more. Through you I am more open to receive the love and support from others. Children are gifts and though you never got the gift of life you were still able to be a gift to me. My gift, my baby, my heart.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The First Letter

Dear Tristan,

On Sunday, God took you home. I never heard your little heartbeat. I never saw an image. I didn't even know whether you were a little girl or boy. That doesn't mean I didn't love and bond with you my little angel. I am now left with this hole and ache in my heart. Did you have a soul yet? I feel that a piece of my soul left when I lost you. How is it so possible to love something so much that you can hurt in ways you never knew. I never saw your smile, I never touched your little face but you left little footprints on my heart. I never got to hear you laugh or cry. Now I cry for the both of us. Each tear I cry helps to heal the hurt and loss I am experiencing. I cry out for you. My arms are empty. My soul aches. I feel broken. I feel so lost.

I remind myself that you are in paradise with the same God that gave you to me. The God that blessed my life with having you as a part of me in the first place. The same God that is going to use the experience for a purpose in my life. I don't have the answers and I know in time they will be revealed for now I mourn, for now I cry, for now and always I will miss you my little angel.

My dearest baby you are safe in the arms of God along with your grandma and grandpa. I picture all of you together smiling down on me. That image warms my heart if only for a moment. I know time will help heal the hurt I feel. But for now I mourn you, for now I cry, for now I sit in my grief and wonder about you. I love you my baby.