Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The First Letter

Dear Tristan,

On Sunday, God took you home. I never heard your little heartbeat. I never saw an image. I didn't even know whether you were a little girl or boy. That doesn't mean I didn't love and bond with you my little angel. I am now left with this hole and ache in my heart. Did you have a soul yet? I feel that a piece of my soul left when I lost you. How is it so possible to love something so much that you can hurt in ways you never knew. I never saw your smile, I never touched your little face but you left little footprints on my heart. I never got to hear you laugh or cry. Now I cry for the both of us. Each tear I cry helps to heal the hurt and loss I am experiencing. I cry out for you. My arms are empty. My soul aches. I feel broken. I feel so lost.

I remind myself that you are in paradise with the same God that gave you to me. The God that blessed my life with having you as a part of me in the first place. The same God that is going to use the experience for a purpose in my life. I don't have the answers and I know in time they will be revealed for now I mourn, for now I cry, for now and always I will miss you my little angel.

My dearest baby you are safe in the arms of God along with your grandma and grandpa. I picture all of you together smiling down on me. That image warms my heart if only for a moment. I know time will help heal the hurt I feel. But for now I mourn you, for now I cry, for now I sit in my grief and wonder about you. I love you my baby.