Friday, March 26, 2010

Good News

Got some good news today. Blood work shows NO cancer markers. It's not 100% but looks like we are good to go. The true test will be when they biopsy the mass on my surgery day. God is good and my prayers are being answered one by one. Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and support.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Newest Update

Newest update: I have a growth is 22 centimeters in size, my surgery will be April 5th, I will be in the hospital for 3 days and then 6 weeks recovery time at home. Having the blood test done tomorrow for cancer markers. We will not truly know if its cancer until the surgery is done. (this is the nut shell version of everything) keep the prayers coming. ♥

Thursday, March 18, 2010

the waiting game / prayers needed

I have been having pains which I believe to be ovarian pain. Wednesday Dr did and ultra sound which did not show anything, had CT scan on Thursday and I'm awaiting results. However a few hours after the CT scan I began to spot. I'm a little freaked out because what if I was say 4 or 5 days pregnant. I talked to the doctor about it and he said that the CT scan would cause the egg not to implant if that was the case. My heart began to break over that. I just am keeping in mind that I need to be a healthy mommy and have to take care of myself first so I can have a healthy baby but my heart is breaking just a bit over this and I hate that you have to wait for results on these things. I should know more late Friday or on Monday. I just need as many prayers right now as I can get.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

6 weeks to due date

Wow! If I hadn't miscarried I would be due in 6 weeks. It has really hit me hard that I will not be having a child in April. I think a part of me was in denial about the miscarriage that maybe it didn't happen or the doctors were mistaken and I would still end up with a child. It's not going to happen. There is no baby to be delivered in April. I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It hurts now more because I'm finally reaching a place where I am accepting fact.

I also seem to grieve a little each month as I get my "monthly gift". It's another reminder that 1. I am no longer pregnant and 2. that I haven't gotten pregnant again yet. So I feel let down every time Mother Nature brings my gift.

I never thought this process was going to affect me the way it has. My heart is breaking, my tears flow freely, and there are only a few select people I can turn to who understand and accept the fact that I'm still grieving. People who have never gone through this don't seem to understand why I continue to grieve 5 months later but I think I will never stop grieving I will just learn how to live with my grief.

My dear Tristan never got a chance to enter this world but he did enter my world the moment I found out I was pregnant. My dreams and hopes have been crushed. Never in my arms . . . forever in my heart. Tristan lives only in my heart.

I know I'm not the only woman who experiences this but I feel so alone in my own world. The people closest to me just don't want to talk or hear about it. My husband is as supportive as he can be but doesn't understand. He says he never connected so he doesn't really grieve the loss.

Sad, alone and frustrated is how I feel right now. I want to plan a memorial of some sort for April 17 but just don't know what that looks like. I have nothing to bury, I guess I just want to honor and memorialize my little angel.

I'm calling out to God for comfort and support and acceptance. I really need help accepting His plan for my life what ever it is. I find comfort & support in His word and through prayer but the acceptance is what I struggle with the most.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Wanted to Share

The situation was bad to start with. The ruthless brutality of Egyptian slave drivers held tight rein over the Israelites, forcing them forward in their production of bricks and mortar. The blessing once given to the Israelite forefathers had been forgotten as a fledgling nation grew. A new Pharaoh called for the massacre of newborn little boys – something the Israelites defied. As the years wore on, the young nation though continued to live with its oppression. God calls Moses to bring deliverance to the people, but attempts to reason with Pharaoh are met with increased demands and brutality. In turn, Moses and his brother Aaron are blamed by the Israelites for their unmerciful condition. Hopeless with the despair of the people, the seeming failure of his own leadership, and the apparent inactivity of the God who called him, Moses laments in anguish, “God, why??”

The tragedies of life leave us with the same question, “God, why??” Let me suggest that we change our question, because it is a question that we may not get an answer to, and truthfully, we really don’t need an answer to “why,” but we do need an answer to, “God, where??” Where can I go in my hopelessness? To that question, there is an answer, and it is an invitation from our loving God who truly has not forgotten us. God says, “Come.” “Come to Me.” Just like Moses, come with honesty, with your fears, your questions, your anxieties, your disappointments – but, come. Hopelessness leaves us sinking in a bottomless pit, enveloped in its darkness. It is a despair that sees no alternatives, and no way through. It is a despair that wants to give up. But God says, “Come.” In Moses’ impossible situation, he went to God, and he found out that God was still there, and God was still in control, and God cared. “I am God,” He said. “I have heard the groaning of the people. I will redeem you. I will make you My own special people, and I will be your God.” When I come to God, He tells me I can rest. Rest is found in the quietness of His presence and in the grace of His promises – not “fix-it” promises, but promises of strength, of love, of wisdom, of peace. And when we’ve answered God’s invitation, we find it was our hopelessness that brought us to the path that led us to our God.

Source: Bev @ Thoughts Under the Umbrella