Monday, June 7, 2010

Feeling Sad

Today I'm feeling sad. Missing Tristan so very much.

Since we only have a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant on our own I really just feel this tug in my heart to adopt however my husband doesn't even want to begin the adoption process until January. Last night I tried to talk to him about at least starting the paperwork for adoption. His feeling is that if we start the adoption process that we have given up on a biological child. My heart aches for a child. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy makes my heart hurt all over again. This is one storm in my life I just didn't see coming.

Just recently I listened to a recording of a service I missed at church and the statement that stood out to me the most: God created us to have storms in our lives. He made you with a storm in mind and He is preparing you for that storm.

My heart is heavy today I am working on just letting go of it all so I can let God. I have to give up my plans so His plans can be revealed to me. Being human, having free will that is what stands in my way of a perfect relationship with Christ.

I've started reading: From God to you: 66 Love letters: A conversation with God that invites you into His Story - by Larry Crabb

Here is the first statement that stands out to me: I don't want you to be afraid of failure, or you will live for success. And I don't want you to be afraid that things in your life will go wrong--they will--or that you will feel empty--you will. If you fear problems or emptiness, you will live for comfort and fulfillment. And that will just complicate the mess you've already made. ~66 Love Letters

I wanted to share this because most people today live for "comfort and fulfillment" instead of just living for God. God does promise us wonderful lives but he also says we will have hardship too. My hardships, my brokenness is what has strengthened my faith. I am finally reaching for the hand of God that has been waiting for me for all these years. HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, HE is my peace.


  1. Sweet Friend,

    Just keep reaching for "his" hands...if it makes you feel better, I'm reaching for them too.

    As for adoption, I'd like to start the process too, but my hubby just can't seem to let go of the possibility of a biological child. So, my little Asian girl with gorgeous brown eyes and sweet smile is still a dream, but one that I won't let go of :)


  2. We were there (and often come back!) a while ago...husband just sure we'd have a biological child. Then when he realized it was going to have to be IVF, he said "Let's adopt...sure thing."

    Yeah, not so much. Country closed, and like Andrea, my sweet little Asian girl with black pigtails will remain our lost dream.

    Our IVF program is a shared risk one and so John was all about trying again. I was more about bringing child to raise into our home--however it needed to be. I at least convinced him that if this cycle didn't work, we would start the home study process because adoption--whether domestic or international--is LENGTHY!

    Praying for your heavy heart!

  3. My aunt and uncle had tried a long time to have children and then decided to turn to adoption. As the adoption was getting closer to going thru my aunt found out she was pregnant and they weren't able to adopt. Then they went on to have another child!

    You can plan for one and hope for the other.

  4. No way...the little word I just had to enter for my last post was 'adopt'