Friday, June 25, 2010

it's been a while

Didn't realize its been so long since my last post.

Well lets see . . . I should have gotten my period on June 8 did not come took four pregnancy test 3 days apart each one was negative. Called the doctor to find out if the endo could cause irregular cycles and indeed it can. So she says if no flow in 8-10 weeks then I need to come in for further testing. So this morning I have spotting now I wonder is my cycle now 45 days long? or embryo implantation? I guess at this point only time will tell. I can tell you one thing for sure God is teaching me some serious patience.

Any way the reason I came over to my blog to post was the fact that I have many friends making posts on their FB pages about how their kids are driving them crazy and they don't know what to do with them. Well how about spend time with them, cherish every little moment you have. I didn't think posts like this would get to me but I would just be oh so grateful to have such troubles. My troubles include struggling to have just one little earthly angel. Sometimes I actually want to make a post about why don't you do stuff with them, go outside and play, play a game, go to a park, do crafts, short road trip - darn it! enjoy them for all they are worth because too many of us can't enjoy such pleasures. So this is my current hurt.

I can say that seeing pregnant women is starting to make me smile again. A friend reminded me that I don't know what their struggle might have been to get where they are. Maybe that lady you see had 5 miscarriages and this was the first successful pregnancy. Maybe they tried for 10+ years and it finally happened. They are choosing life that is the other reason I smile. Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy but they chose to bring it into this world. Pregnancy is such a wonderful and magical thing and I can only hope that some day God will bless me and some woman will walk by me and smile back.

I've been trying to keep my focus on God and less on my losses because God is using my losses for His good. God is the only source that can fix the hurt inside of me. God is the only source that knows just what path my life will take. God, Thank You God.

Something a friend posted:
Blessings are not always things which bring us joy right away. Some blessing come out of troubled times, and some come out of suffering. Through our tests, come testimonies...count it all as growth!


  1. Your friend is right, one never knows anothers struggles. When you view prego people from that angle it lessens the hurt :)

    So sorry your cycle is off and I do pray that you are richly blessed very soon. I will be praying for you and lifting you up.

    Be good to yourself sweet friend.


  2. You know...I don't ever think it's that our hearts are hard or jealous or whatever when we see other pregnant truth, even if we *say* we are angry with them, I don't think we really are angry with *them*...we are just sad for us. Sad for their apparent success and our continued disappointment.

    I always, always *tried* to be happy when people came up pregnant-especially when they struggled...but I admit...even when hearing a struggle of 2 or 3 or even 5 or 7 years was what the couple endured, I sometimes still think, "Oh yeah...try 10. Try failing at adoption. Try having your perfect miracle die 8 hours after he was born."

    And I hate that is what was in my heart and every now and then creeps back.

    There is such a miracle in pregnancy that we just crave it. We can't help it...and when we see others with it, it just reminds us of what we don't have.

    And I know this sounds trite coming from me as I am pregnant now, but those feelings of inadequacy and desperation to have a little one to love and raise...they don't really ever seem to disappear.

    Lifting you up!

  3. I think that's a good attitude to have and it's true. We really don't know what someone has been thru to get where they are today.