Saturday, March 6, 2010

6 weeks to due date

Wow! If I hadn't miscarried I would be due in 6 weeks. It has really hit me hard that I will not be having a child in April. I think a part of me was in denial about the miscarriage that maybe it didn't happen or the doctors were mistaken and I would still end up with a child. It's not going to happen. There is no baby to be delivered in April. I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It hurts now more because I'm finally reaching a place where I am accepting fact.

I also seem to grieve a little each month as I get my "monthly gift". It's another reminder that 1. I am no longer pregnant and 2. that I haven't gotten pregnant again yet. So I feel let down every time Mother Nature brings my gift.

I never thought this process was going to affect me the way it has. My heart is breaking, my tears flow freely, and there are only a few select people I can turn to who understand and accept the fact that I'm still grieving. People who have never gone through this don't seem to understand why I continue to grieve 5 months later but I think I will never stop grieving I will just learn how to live with my grief.

My dear Tristan never got a chance to enter this world but he did enter my world the moment I found out I was pregnant. My dreams and hopes have been crushed. Never in my arms . . . forever in my heart. Tristan lives only in my heart.

I know I'm not the only woman who experiences this but I feel so alone in my own world. The people closest to me just don't want to talk or hear about it. My husband is as supportive as he can be but doesn't understand. He says he never connected so he doesn't really grieve the loss.

Sad, alone and frustrated is how I feel right now. I want to plan a memorial of some sort for April 17 but just don't know what that looks like. I have nothing to bury, I guess I just want to honor and memorialize my little angel.

I'm calling out to God for comfort and support and acceptance. I really need help accepting His plan for my life what ever it is. I find comfort & support in His word and through prayer but the acceptance is what I struggle with the most.


  1. Hello Sweet Friend,

    I'm so sorry for your hurt and wish I could somehow make you feel a bit better. The days leading to my due date were awful and Dec. 2nd will live with me always. I made a decision to spend my time "honoring" the little life that lived inside me and gathered clothing for local homeless children in Christians Honor...I called my efforts "Christian Cares" In doing so, I found peace in the moment, as I knew I was honoring my child. It did not fix anything, it still hurt and I grieved, and still do, 10 moths later. Yesterday was the official 10 month mark...yes, I coming up on a year.

    So, I can understand where you are...

    However, do what you can to "honor" your childs life. I helps, I promise. Release balloons, give to a charity, plant a tree, bake a cake, anything...that makes your heart a little lighter.

    Know that you aren't alone...we are here for you and will walk this journey hand in hand with you.

    Much Love now and always

  2. I'm sorry for the pain that you feel. Sending you love and hugs.