Wednesday, December 30, 2009


My daily devotional presented me with this:
When you ask God for a vision you're likely to be placed in a field of opportunities concealed under acres of obstacles. Then He will stand back and watch how you engage in the ministry of obstacle management!

And from a second source I was presented with this message:
That circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you.

I believe the losses in my life has hindered my vision. I've lost sight of the vision of my life. I just sit and do very little but grieve and escape my life. Is this God's vision for my life? I think not. I need to refocus on what God's purpose is for me. My life has had so many obstacles and my obstacle management was simply to avoid them instead of overcome them. When you avoid obstacles they pile up until you are ready to deal with them head on. And to take them all at once head on is overwhelming. I need to line them up and now face them one at a time, take them on and work through them this time not avoid them.

The loss of Tristan has allowed a number of unresolved obstacles to present themselves to me. It's no wonder why I'm avoiding life - I'm simply overwhelmed by all the obstacles piling up on me at once. Yes I grieve the loss of my little one but I believe it has broken a flood gate of other grief. The grief of the death of my father, the grief of the death of my mother, lost dreams, lost hopes, feelings of abandonment, dealing with emotional abuse that I experienced as a child, lost friendships, loss of self.

The world can look pretty dark and scary when you are carrying around so much weight. My grief suitcase is very very heavy. It's time to start to unpack some of these obstacles that are standing in the way of my life vision. God has truly used my loss of Tristan to help heal my whole self. If I just peek over the pile of obstacles in front of me I can see that God has great things in store for me. Even more wonderful God is my strength to work through the obstacles this time. Through faith, love, perseverance and God's help I will make it to the other side of my obstacle mountain.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for your faithful love, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for seeing my heart, thank you for believing in me even when I don't. Lord you are the strength and way to overcoming what holds me back in my life's vision. Thank you for presenting me with the path to overcome.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Cloudy Windows

I feel like I'm viewing the world through a cloudy window. My grief has just enveloped me to the point it is making it so I can't see the world clearly. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. I am hoping it's just because of Christmas that I'm feeling this way. Once Christmas passes I hope to start to feel better again at least until my due date approaches.

I never thought that my whole view of the world and the things around me would be altered by my grief. I feel so empty without Tristan growing inside of me. I'd be about 22 weeks along if I still had Tristan. I feel like a lost soul. I feel like I'm defective or broken.

I do find peace from time to time with God but my earthly mind and body keep a hold of this instead of releasing it to God. One day I'm up, one day I'm down. When I think I've got myself back together again I get another bill in the mail in regards to my miscarriage. It sometimes feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I've been trying to think of my blessings. Something I did think about today is that maybe my miscarriage was to prepare me to love a living child even more than I ever could. I have a fear of not bonding with my child maybe my miscarriage was to help me want to bond even further. There is a part of me that fears ever having to go through this again but if I don't try then I may miss out on the greatest blessing ever to hold a child in my arms and love him/her more than anything.

I long for a child and some days I wish my husband would agree to adoption because there are so many children in the world who need a loving home. But I don't dare push right now because I know my view of things is very clouded and I'm having trouble seeing things clearly.

I know this cloud over me will not last forever but I do need some relief from it if only for a little while.

God, I know you have plans that I do not know for my life. I am thankful for all the blessings you have presented to me. Please Lord help show me the way to peace so I can have some rest from these intense feelings. Thank you!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Giving to God

Over the last week I have read and heard a number of messages that basically say give it to God, Give yourself to God, Turn it over to God. Today's message from Bob Perks - I wish you enough. Posed the question: "If I were there that sacred evening drawn by the light of the star of Bethlehem what gift would I offer Him?" Well based on all the messages God has sent my way over this week. I would only have myself to offer Him. My question is "Am I worthy to be His gift?"

He gave His son as my gift to live in this world, now my goal is to be a worthy gift to the Lord. As I work on changing the way I view myself and the world around me I noticed something. Why is it that the negative messages are given more power? In the news, in TV programs, even on the radio why is the focus on the bad things that happen in the world. If that focus was shifted to the positive would we all view ourselves in a better light? For women if the magazines didn't focus on the "perfect body" would we just accept ourselves as we are just as Jesus accepts us right were we are at. If the news focused on the reason for the season: the Lord of Lords would parents worry so much about getting that perfect toy for their child or would they just feel the blessing of having their family and friends gathered round.

I am working on bringing my focus back to the basics. God & Family. All the stuff just doesn't matter. Am I worthy of being presented to the Lord as a gift? Maybe not but I'm working on it. By being a vessel for His work, by giving thanks to Him for everything, by being a shining light in the darkness, I can be that worthy gift presented to Him.

Tristan was a perfect gift, never born into this world, never tarnished by the negative. I miss my little angel terribly but to think that God has used my loss of Tristan to make me into a worthy gift for Him (Lord). How amazing! If I pull my miscarriage into the light and view it out of the darkness. I see a gift from the Lord, a gift to mold and shape me into the person worthy of being presented to Jesus. My earthly body and mind long to hold Tristan, to hear him cry, laugh, to see his smile, to watch him grow. I some days ache with pain over my loss. But on the days when I fully turn my grief over to God those are the days I see clearly what a gift I have been presented with. Not in my time, in God's time. Let Go, Let God.

Jesus is the reason for the season. This helps remind me that thorough Jesus I can be a worthy gift not only to our Lord but to help spread the word of God through me. To stand up for what I believe. To live out the blessings, to share the experiences. God has been using me for His purpose from the very beginning of my creation. Every experience and brought me to the perfect place the perfect time to realize I am one of God's perfect gifts.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Rejoice in my Suffering?

This is some of my Walk in the Word this week. I found it very fitting:

Why is it that Christ seems so near during times of hardship? It's "the fellowship of His sufferings" that Philippians 3:10 talks about. Does Jesus know about suffering? Yes, He does. So when we suffer, we feel an affinity with Him. There's a way that He draws near to us like in no other way; as Hebrews 4 says, "He's touched with the feelings of our infirmities." First Peter 4:13 says, "But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Rejoice . . . rejoice. Twice in one verse, in the middle of a discussion on suffering, we're told to rejoice.

Why would I rejoice in my suffering?

Here's why: You share in Christ's suffering. You have a new understanding and new connection with Jesus. Some people say this verse is talking about a future time when we'll be glad when His glory is revealed to the world. It could also mean that we'll be glad when His glory is revealed in us - that we'll rejoice when we look in the mirror and see a different person, because the glory of Christ will be more revealed through our lives. Both options are pretty cool, and we can hold out this truth either way: there's a closeness with the Lord that comes through trials that doesn't come any other way. Rejoice in this opportunity.

James MacDonald

I love the idea of sharing in Christ's Suffering and that brings me closer to Him. To be able to rejoice in my trials and view my hardship as a blessing. What a tall order. I know it can be done but only through Christ himself. If I sift through the emotions and reveal was it underneath it all I can see how such a thing could be true. But its the devil who keeps me stuck in my emotions and unable to see beyond them. God stands right beside me the whole way whispering the truths and reaching for my hand to guide me. But I have to stop and listen and then reach for a hand I can not see. FAITH tells me that hand is there for me to reach for. FAITH is what I need to focus on. God loves me so much that no matter what I have done in my life He has stood by me just waiting for me to be quiet long enough to hear him and finally reach for His hand. Lord I am there. I know I have only been meeting you half way in the last couple months but I am ready to walk hand in hand with you. Allow you to be my one and only guiding light along this path I walk. You and only you are my pathway to peace and when I finally stop taking the paved paths in front of me and stop to walk the path you reveal only then will I see how my hardships and trials have been blessings only looking back from Your way will I be able to see how far I've come, and wonder in amazement how the heck I made it through and my answer will be FAITH in the Lord. Thank You Jesus!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trying to Find Hope

Still feeling very broken inside. I just no longer feel like a whole person.

The other day my daily devotional had this phrase in it: "What God has in store for you is worth any price you have to pay."

I wish I could say I felt that way but I'm so wrapped in my grief I can't even see over, around and through it. In my head I know God has great things in store for my life, in my head I know I will have another child in God's Time. But in my heart all I want is my baby Tristan. My little angel taken home before I even got to see his face. I feel like I have a battle in my body between my head and heart. I have to allow my heart to grieve but I just want the intense hurt to leave. I want to move on with my life. I know only time and God can heal this wound in my heart.

This is another message I've recently gotten:
God sends you fresh flowers every spring, a breathtaking sunrise every morning. If God had a wallet, your picture would be in it. If God has a refrigerator, your childhood scribbles would be on it. God is crazy about you.

I am thankful God is crazy about me and I know God wants no harm to come to me. I ask that God please make peace between my heart and my head. End the turmoil I feel inside of me. Help me see Your grace, help me find the comfort I'm looking for in your arms. I know you are the source of peace. I give my grief to you Lord, Tristan went to you in a pure state no pain, no sin, no grief. Lord help me regain that pure state in you for myself.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Turning it Around for Good

This message really hit home for me and wanted to share it:

Turning It Around for Good

The Weekly Walk

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

With all due respect to Rabbi Kushner, God does allow bad things to happen to good people. He doesn't cause them, but He doesn't prevent them either. The world is free and God doesn't very often step in and alter the fact that the effects of sin are visiting themselves randomly upon the creation. So God lets trials happen to the Christian just like He lets them happen to the pagans so that the superiority of the life lived in God can be demonstrated through our lives. The majority of the world is choosing not to worship God, but a few of us, by God's grace, can draw down upon God's promised resources to get us through.

God did not cause the horrible events in your life, but you need to embrace the fact that He allowed them. God could not make a world in which we are free and at the same time guarantee that everyone would choose Him. So the world is broken and bad things happen. But God promises that He will be with those who love Him. He will bring us through the fire, and we will come forth as gold.

God allowed Paul to suffer a "thorn . . . in the flesh." Paul said that God allowed "a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited" (2 Corinthians 12:7). Paul understood that God allowed this pain in his life for a reason. God allowed a demon to harass, or buffet Paul. The word buffet means to strike with a fist or beat. But God permitted it with a purpose: to keep [Paul] from being conceited.

God is so sovereign. He's so much in control that even when Satan tries to ruin our lives, God takes the weapon that Satan wants to use to destroy us and turns it into a good thing. God says, "If you will lean hard on Me in the midst of this difficult time, I’ll take that thorn and make it for your good."

We all have a thorn. We all have something that God has allowed into our lives that Satan meant for our destruction but that God has turned around to help us grow and change.

James MacDonald

Friday, December 4, 2009

Little Bell

As I read this story I saw Little Bell as God waiting for me to move Him to the front of my life.

Little Bell

Hidden in the back of the tree, deep in the branches, Little Bell
hung out of sight. Her brass surface was tarnished and scratched after
four generations of Christmas. The pretty glass ornaments hung on the
outer branches for all to see, but Little Bell was out of sight.

Little Bell looked through the branches. She saw the other ornaments
and was sad. She saw the ceramic Santa, with the package in his hands.
The package was torn by a little boy, who thought there was a present
inside. Santa's head had chips from years of being hung and put away.
The Santa ornament was damaged, but still placed near the front of the
tree for all to see. Little Bell was way in the back - hidden. All the
ornaments Bell hung with through the years, were at the front of the
tree, but Bell was alone.

Little Bell remembered when she hung at the front of the tree.
Christmas came. Boxes were carried to the living room and opened. The
tree was placed in the center the large room. Hands reached into the
boxes. Bell, her brass surface shining brightly, would be lifted from
a box. The hand would shake her, and she would ring with joy. Her sound
brought smiles to those who held her. She'd be placed in the front and
center of the tree, for all to admire.

One year, smaller hands held her. They helped the big hands. The
little hands hung Bell in the right place, but they could not leave
little bell alone. They'd touch Bell to make her ring, but the big
hands told them, "No! You might knock the tree down." Bell was hung
higher, away from the little hands.

Over the years, the little hands grew larger, and the big hands
allowed them to touch her. They placed her on the tree and would allow
the smaller hands to move her.

A game began. Bell was moved around the tree. The one who found
her, got to hang her in a new place. Bell was hidden in the deepest
and darkest places of the tree. She waited patiently, until the smaller
hands found her, made her ring, and then move her to a new spot. Little
Bell was the favorite ornament on the tree. She was proud.

After many years, the little hands got bigger. They hid her on
the tree, and Little Bell hung hidden from view - forgotten. The game
was over. Bell was sad. She hung alone at the back of the tree.

Years later, one of the big hands handed Little Bell to one of
the small hands that had grown. "This is yours. Take Little Bell with you."

The next Christmas, Bell was placed in the front of the tree.
Her brass was tarnished, but her ring was pure. She made the hand
thing smile. She was happy.

A few Christmas' later, new small hands were putting "Little Bell"
on the tree. They played the game bell loved. Bell waited for the
little hands to find her. They moved her around the tree. Little Bell
loved the game. She was the center of attention again. The other
ornaments hung brightly on the tree, but Little Bell, who was
hidden, was the one the hands reached for.

Those new little hands grew bigger, and Little Bell was once
again placed on the tree, her surface dull and tarnished from years
of use. She was placed deep in the tree, hidden from view. The big
hands still playing the game, but there were no little hands to
look for her.

Little Bell was sad.

One day, a big hand reached out to her, "This is a pretty
ornament! Where did it come from?"

The other 'Big Hand' said, "That is the Little Bell. I played
with it when I was a kid. My brothers and I hid it on the tree and
took turns trying to find it. Mom knew I loved it and gave it to
me, so her grandkids could play the game I did.

The new "Big Hand" took Little Bell, polished her brass, and
hung her at the front of the tree. Little Bell's brass reflected
the lights and glowed with pride. The "Hand" removed ornaments
around Little Bell, so she would have her own special spot on the
tree. After years of hiding, Bell now hangs in a special spot at
the front of the tree, but prays for the day little hands will
once again hide her.

Michael T. Smith
Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I wanted to post the poem but don't want to get in trouble for it since the poem is copyrighted. below is a link to read:


The hurt inside of me is so deep I can feel it to my very core. I hurt in a way that I can't even totally express in words. I just feel so empty, so alone, so sad and so angry. Why God? Why my baby? Why do I have to experience more grief in my life? Why do I have to lose yet another person I love? I just feel like my soul has been ripped from me. I no longer feel like a whole person. It has been two months and I still don't totally accept that I'm no longer pregnant.

Lost, sad, scared can only begin to express. I so don't want to be angry at God. I know He had a purpose for taking Tristan home before I got to see him. But a part of me is angry at God. I have to admit that much. God gives babies to people who abuse them. God gives babies to women who do not take care of themselves while pregnant. Yet He took my baby from me. WHY????

I need to this hurt to ease up, yet I don't know how to find comfort. I turn to my bible, I turn to worship music, I turn to food, I turn to wine, I turn to exercise, I turn to blogging, I turn to groups. I really want to be able to turn to my mother, I would love to have her comfort me right now but God took her from me too. WHY????

Has He left me alone so I turn to Him before all others? God's hope, faith and plan for my life is the only thing keeping me holding on. But then I hear stories from other women who have had to have more than one baby ripped from their lives. Why would God put a woman through this torment more than once? My heart brakes.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, Child; you don't understand." ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

No I don't understand!

Romans 8:28 tells me: And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

I love God, I trust God, I believe God. Therefore I am called to HIS PURPOSE.

God forgive me for being angry I am human with human emotions. I know you have a purpose for my life. I do not know your plan for me all I can do is follow. You created my story before I even came to be. You gave your son for me, Now I need to work on giving Tristan for You. Tristan was yours before you even blessed me with him. I hurt Lord, I grieve, my heart is broken. I know I do not walk this walk along for You are with me. Please Lord comfort me, help me see the blessings that will come from this loss.

Collection of Phrases

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home."

"In Loving Memory: Unseen and unheard, but always near, So loved, So missed, and So very dear"

Sweet little flower of heavenly birth you were too fair to bloom on earth

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal"

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"

An Angel Never Dies........

-Author Unknown

The Tiny Rosebud

The Tiny Rosebud

The Master Gardener from Heaven above
Planted a seed in the garden of love
And from it grew a rosebud small
That never had time to open at all
For God in His perfect and all wise way
Chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet
So think of your darling with the angels above
Secure and contented and surrounded by love
And remember that God blessed and enriched your lives too
For in dying, your darling brought Heaven closer to you.
~Author Unknown