Sunday, June 27, 2010

9 months ago

So its already been 9 months since Tristan was taken home to God. Sometimes it feels like it was just last month.

God is leading me down some awesome paths which makes me think all my pain and loss with my parents, Tristan and now dealing with a dying father-in-law. I am feeling guided to do grief ministry. I am in the process of writing something up for my church. I have also be invited to be a leader in one of my groups. God's hand has always been in it all. God is using every grief pain I have felt or not felt until years later to aid me to hopefully help others. Dare I say it but my losses are turning into blessings.

My relationship with Christ is stronger than it ever has been. I'm am finding peace in ways I didn't think possible until I started to have a stronger faith that peace and comfort in loss is possible but only through Christ. I am just in awe at the power God can have in your life if you just invite Him in and trust. And I truly have to say that Tristan was the cherry on top of my blessing sundae. Without my miscarriage I would not be were I am right now.

I know some of you who read this might not like what I am about to say but please understand where I am coming from. I can say though it does hurt I am thankful for the loss of my baby, Christ used it for the good just as he promises. God truly can use all our burdens, trials, troubles and hardships for good you just have to stop focusing on that one small event in your life and look at the bigger picture. I once read that sometimes when we look at the world as humans it's like watching a parade through a small pin hole. You can only see maybe one person at a time but the way God sees things is to view the whole parade as if from a satellite. So take a step back and try to view the parade of your life from a satellite and not just from that small pin hole.

Will I still have pain and heartache of course I will but the difference now is God is right there ready to help me make it through and here is the most important part I am ready and willing to seek Him in those moments for His comfort and peace.

Father we're so tempted to perceive the world we live in through the lenses of the materialistic people around us. It is so easy to want to accumulate wealth, to indulge ourselves rather than denying ourselves. Forgive us for losing sight of Jesus and his way. Help me to learn deeply what it means to take up my cross -daily- and follow wherever you go, whatever the cost. Teach me. I thank you for your amazing patience. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

Friday, June 25, 2010

it's been a while

Didn't realize its been so long since my last post.

Well lets see . . . I should have gotten my period on June 8 did not come took four pregnancy test 3 days apart each one was negative. Called the doctor to find out if the endo could cause irregular cycles and indeed it can. So she says if no flow in 8-10 weeks then I need to come in for further testing. So this morning I have spotting now I wonder is my cycle now 45 days long? or embryo implantation? I guess at this point only time will tell. I can tell you one thing for sure God is teaching me some serious patience.

Any way the reason I came over to my blog to post was the fact that I have many friends making posts on their FB pages about how their kids are driving them crazy and they don't know what to do with them. Well how about spend time with them, cherish every little moment you have. I didn't think posts like this would get to me but I would just be oh so grateful to have such troubles. My troubles include struggling to have just one little earthly angel. Sometimes I actually want to make a post about why don't you do stuff with them, go outside and play, play a game, go to a park, do crafts, short road trip - darn it! enjoy them for all they are worth because too many of us can't enjoy such pleasures. So this is my current hurt.

I can say that seeing pregnant women is starting to make me smile again. A friend reminded me that I don't know what their struggle might have been to get where they are. Maybe that lady you see had 5 miscarriages and this was the first successful pregnancy. Maybe they tried for 10+ years and it finally happened. They are choosing life that is the other reason I smile. Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy but they chose to bring it into this world. Pregnancy is such a wonderful and magical thing and I can only hope that some day God will bless me and some woman will walk by me and smile back.

I've been trying to keep my focus on God and less on my losses because God is using my losses for His good. God is the only source that can fix the hurt inside of me. God is the only source that knows just what path my life will take. God, Thank You God.

Something a friend posted:
Blessings are not always things which bring us joy right away. Some blessing come out of troubled times, and some come out of suffering. Through our tests, come testimonies...count it all as growth!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

On the Right Path

You will experience terrible failure and crushing conflict on the road that leads to where I'm taking you, but it is the right road even when it feels like it's killing you. ~ 66 Love Letters (in reference to the message in Numbers)

So this tells me that I'm on the right road. I do feeling like my spirit is being killed dealing with not getting pregnant. I am on the path God wants me on. I just need to trust deeply and have strong faith. I know God is going to use me in big ways, I know my past is preparing me for what is coming. God is Good!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Another Month

Well another month and not pregnant. I also saw a very pregnant woman today and burst into tears. It just seems that as soon as I feel like I'm put back together again I fall apart.

Tried to have the adoption talk with husband again tonight too and it went no where. I just wish I could make him understand how much my heart hurts every month with negative results. Due to the endometriosis we have such a small chance of getting pregnant that I just don't want to go through this for the next 6 months while we wait for January when he has agreed to start the adoption process.

This is a big storm in my life I know only God will help me get through this. I also know that all of you wonderful women who read my blog and make supportive comments are such a huge support to me and I'm very thankful for each one of you.

God Bless and Love You!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Feeling Sad

Today I'm feeling sad. Missing Tristan so very much.

Since we only have a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant on our own I really just feel this tug in my heart to adopt however my husband doesn't even want to begin the adoption process until January. Last night I tried to talk to him about at least starting the paperwork for adoption. His feeling is that if we start the adoption process that we have given up on a biological child. My heart aches for a child. Every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy makes my heart hurt all over again. This is one storm in my life I just didn't see coming.

Just recently I listened to a recording of a service I missed at church and the statement that stood out to me the most: God created us to have storms in our lives. He made you with a storm in mind and He is preparing you for that storm.

My heart is heavy today I am working on just letting go of it all so I can let God. I have to give up my plans so His plans can be revealed to me. Being human, having free will that is what stands in my way of a perfect relationship with Christ.

I've started reading: From God to you: 66 Love letters: A conversation with God that invites you into His Story - by Larry Crabb

Here is the first statement that stands out to me: I don't want you to be afraid of failure, or you will live for success. And I don't want you to be afraid that things in your life will go wrong--they will--or that you will feel empty--you will. If you fear problems or emptiness, you will live for comfort and fulfillment. And that will just complicate the mess you've already made. ~66 Love Letters

I wanted to share this because most people today live for "comfort and fulfillment" instead of just living for God. God does promise us wonderful lives but he also says we will have hardship too. My hardships, my brokenness is what has strengthened my faith. I am finally reaching for the hand of God that has been waiting for me for all these years. HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, HE is my peace.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


This was shared in our Bible Study tonight.

Suffering is not a sign of God's displeasure with you. Suffering often indicates that God is setting us free from something so that we can follow and embrace him more deeply. God wants to teach us how to walk with him through these things so we can know a joy and peace that transcends circumstance.

Bible Study Lesson 4

I am struggling to complete this chapter. It's all about anger. I don't think I'm in touch with my feelings around this issue. I have to read ever question 4-5 times and still struggle to understand what I'm being asked. I feel like I have a mental block this chapter. It is frustrating and making me angry that I'm having so much trouble completing the questions. Which is making me think maybe I'm just not as in touch with my feelings around my miscarriage after all.

I'm also deeply struggling to concentrate. My guess is the Devil does not want me to complete this - I am trying so hard to push through. Because I have not completed everything I don't want to call in to the group tonight but I will because I know that I need this now more than ever. I want and need to process the stuff I keep hidden away in that dark place no one can see.

I am feeling a great sadness today and just really don't want to feel these deep feelings right now. I just want to put on my "I'm ok" mask and keep pushing through this life. God wants me to process this stuff, God wants me to have a closer relationship with Him. He doesn't want me to carry this burden alone. I will call into the group weather my pages are done or not maybe I'll be able to process more with the help of the ladies in the group tonight.