Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bible Study Starts

Tonight was the first night of my bible study. My reflections from tonight's group: I felt both deep compassion for the other women and a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because many of them got to hold and see their babies but then such deep compassion because I can't even begin to image what holding your baby can be like knowing you don't get to take him/her home with you.

It almost makes me feel a little lucky that my pregnancy didn't go that far but as much as I think on some level it makes it easier it really doesn't. We all hurt and have very similar experiences and if you have not been through the loss of your baby you can never understand what kind of grief you will go through. It's almost like a secret club of woman who put on this brave face to the world because the world won't accept that they are broken and hurt inside. But to each other we can take off our brave mask and reveal that deep pain and hurt.

It is very healing to know that I am not alone in this deep pain I feel inside. Lost and alone no more I have people to connect and share with. God put every hair on my head, the color in my eyes, the love in my soul and He put stones in my path to pick up and lead me to these other women.

I will may never know God's purpose for taking Tristan straight to heaven before coming to my arms. But God's plan for me is bigger than I can understand and all I can do is trust and believe.

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