Thursday, December 3, 2009


The hurt inside of me is so deep I can feel it to my very core. I hurt in a way that I can't even totally express in words. I just feel so empty, so alone, so sad and so angry. Why God? Why my baby? Why do I have to experience more grief in my life? Why do I have to lose yet another person I love? I just feel like my soul has been ripped from me. I no longer feel like a whole person. It has been two months and I still don't totally accept that I'm no longer pregnant.

Lost, sad, scared can only begin to express. I so don't want to be angry at God. I know He had a purpose for taking Tristan home before I got to see him. But a part of me is angry at God. I have to admit that much. God gives babies to people who abuse them. God gives babies to women who do not take care of themselves while pregnant. Yet He took my baby from me. WHY????

I need to this hurt to ease up, yet I don't know how to find comfort. I turn to my bible, I turn to worship music, I turn to food, I turn to wine, I turn to exercise, I turn to blogging, I turn to groups. I really want to be able to turn to my mother, I would love to have her comfort me right now but God took her from me too. WHY????

Has He left me alone so I turn to Him before all others? God's hope, faith and plan for my life is the only thing keeping me holding on. But then I hear stories from other women who have had to have more than one baby ripped from their lives. Why would God put a woman through this torment more than once? My heart brakes.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, Child; you don't understand." ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

No I don't understand!

Romans 8:28 tells me: And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

I love God, I trust God, I believe God. Therefore I am called to HIS PURPOSE.

God forgive me for being angry I am human with human emotions. I know you have a purpose for my life. I do not know your plan for me all I can do is follow. You created my story before I even came to be. You gave your son for me, Now I need to work on giving Tristan for You. Tristan was yours before you even blessed me with him. I hurt Lord, I grieve, my heart is broken. I know I do not walk this walk along for You are with me. Please Lord comfort me, help me see the blessings that will come from this loss.

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