Monday, November 2, 2009


Just one simply word . . . Broken.
That is how I feel I keep praying, I keep hoping the brokenness will get better. I know in time it will but now right now I'm so broken I hurt so deep. I've just never felt hurt to this extent before. I lost my father when I was 13 lost my mother when I was 22 and now I hurt more than even losing them. My baby I never met, yet the loss of you has affected me so deeply. I think everything is finally catching up to me. Its a month and I feel sadder and more broken now than when it first happened.

My Walk in the Word message this week:
You're Not Going Under - Bible verse: First Peter 4:19 encourages us with, "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."

Entrust my sorrow to God. He has always been so faithful to me yet can I say I've done the same in return. God gave his Son for me. Can I give me and my child for Him? It's a question I struggle with daily. I feel so selfish in wanting my baby when God gave his Son so that I could be forgiven so that I can be selfish from time to time.

I hurt to my very core. In moments I do find some peace but today is not a day of peace for me. I just want my baby I just want to hold my little Tristan. I am a Mommy with no baby to hold. I am a Mommy to an angel, one of God chosen ones.

I am one of God's chosen ones he chose me to carry one of his angels. He has used me for some purpose. Sometimes I think it is to bring me closer to Him. Other times I think that this will be used in the future to touch someone else's life.

What ever the purpose I know God does not make mistakes. My life course what set in motion the day He created me. All my life trials were written in my book of life. I know I will come out of all of this stronger in the end but right now in this moment it hurts oh so much. Dare I say I feel depressed. I feel so sad some days that I don't even feel like I can function. My brain is in a fog, I can't think straight. I feel only sadness and when happiness creeps in there I sometimes feel guilty for being happy.

I know this is normal. I know I am not alone that others have walked this road I'm walking. And that gives me Hope the fact that God has brought others through this journey and they too felt happiness again, they too could move forward from their grief. I know I will never forget. GOD is my pathway to peace.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, you are so right. As I read your post it took me back to my one month marker after we lost Sammi. I was just coming out of the level of shock I had been living in, and that is when things really started to hit me, right at a month. Everyone else seemed to think I was 'over it', however, I was only just beginning the process of learning to live with this new life of being a mommy without my baby. I tell you this, so that you know you are not alone in your feelings. So that you know that there will be a time soon, when the pain will ease, and the sorrow will change. There will be a time with more balance, when hope and healing will come. Tristan has a purpose, and though we may not know it now, maybe even not on this side of Heaven, we know that Tristan is busy about God's work, and that God will use your tiny baby's life for a remarkable change not only in your life, but in the lives of others. May God's loving arms wrap you up in comfort and peace this very moment.