Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trying to Find Hope

Still feeling very broken inside. I just no longer feel like a whole person.

The other day my daily devotional had this phrase in it: "What God has in store for you is worth any price you have to pay."

I wish I could say I felt that way but I'm so wrapped in my grief I can't even see over, around and through it. In my head I know God has great things in store for my life, in my head I know I will have another child in God's Time. But in my heart all I want is my baby Tristan. My little angel taken home before I even got to see his face. I feel like I have a battle in my body between my head and heart. I have to allow my heart to grieve but I just want the intense hurt to leave. I want to move on with my life. I know only time and God can heal this wound in my heart.

This is another message I've recently gotten:
God sends you fresh flowers every spring, a breathtaking sunrise every morning. If God had a wallet, your picture would be in it. If God has a refrigerator, your childhood scribbles would be on it. God is crazy about you.

I am thankful God is crazy about me and I know God wants no harm to come to me. I ask that God please make peace between my heart and my head. End the turmoil I feel inside of me. Help me see Your grace, help me find the comfort I'm looking for in your arms. I know you are the source of peace. I give my grief to you Lord, Tristan went to you in a pure state no pain, no sin, no grief. Lord help me regain that pure state in you for myself.

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