Sunday, October 4, 2009

One Week

Dear Tristan,

It has been one week since you were taken Home. I think of you often and mourn my loss. During this week I have found that this experience has brought me closer to God. My little darling who knew that you leaving me before I met you would draw me closer to the being that created you, me and life as I know it. For the first time in my life I find comfort in the Lord during a very difficult time. I place no blame on myself, no blame on you, no blame on others, no blame on God; I just accept it for what it is a loss I can't explain. Through this loss I have gained so much. I have gained a love for God I never thought I would have. I have felt the love God gives. His presence is so real to me. He is touching my heart and soul and wrapping them in love and protection while still allowing me to feel the hurt just enough that I can handle. And when my grief is bigger than me He holds me just a bit tighter and reminds me that in time the hurt will lessen and that it is ok to feel and ok to cry. My tears are therapy, my tears are for you, my tears are for me, my tears are for the immense love God has given me. It is so hard to explain crying in sadness one moment and then just when I can't handle the pain any longer I begin to cry because of the grand love I am filled with.

My little Angel you never got to enter into this world but you have touched my life and made me grow as a person. You have changed me. I will never again be the same person. I am your Mother. Though my arms did not carry you my heart will carry you forever. You made me see that I am surrounded by wonderful people who care more about me that I thought people could care. You have shown me that I can fill those holes that have been in my heart for years. Through you I have experienced the caring and love that others humans can provide. Through you my wall to the outside world has come down a little more. Through you I am more open to receive the love and support from others. Children are gifts and though you never got the gift of life you were still able to be a gift to me. My gift, my baby, my heart.


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