Monday, December 21, 2009

Cloudy Windows

I feel like I'm viewing the world through a cloudy window. My grief has just enveloped me to the point it is making it so I can't see the world clearly. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. I am hoping it's just because of Christmas that I'm feeling this way. Once Christmas passes I hope to start to feel better again at least until my due date approaches.

I never thought that my whole view of the world and the things around me would be altered by my grief. I feel so empty without Tristan growing inside of me. I'd be about 22 weeks along if I still had Tristan. I feel like a lost soul. I feel like I'm defective or broken.

I do find peace from time to time with God but my earthly mind and body keep a hold of this instead of releasing it to God. One day I'm up, one day I'm down. When I think I've got myself back together again I get another bill in the mail in regards to my miscarriage. It sometimes feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I've been trying to think of my blessings. Something I did think about today is that maybe my miscarriage was to prepare me to love a living child even more than I ever could. I have a fear of not bonding with my child maybe my miscarriage was to help me want to bond even further. There is a part of me that fears ever having to go through this again but if I don't try then I may miss out on the greatest blessing ever to hold a child in my arms and love him/her more than anything.

I long for a child and some days I wish my husband would agree to adoption because there are so many children in the world who need a loving home. But I don't dare push right now because I know my view of things is very clouded and I'm having trouble seeing things clearly.

I know this cloud over me will not last forever but I do need some relief from it if only for a little while.

God, I know you have plans that I do not know for my life. I am thankful for all the blessings you have presented to me. Please Lord help show me the way to peace so I can have some rest from these intense feelings. Thank you!


  1. I missed you at group tonight. You are in my thoughts these next two weeks. I will be praying for you...

  2. Praying for your comfort. May God bless you with wonderful gifts in 2010. ((HUGS))