4 months

So it's been four months since my precious Tristan was taken home to God. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. Amazing how you can be going along thinking you're just fine and wham it hits you right in your heart.

I would have been 28 weeks along. Today I feel like a did in the weeks following my miscarriage. So lost and brokenhearted. Turning to God for comfort and courage. God has been my saving grace through this whole process. I truly believe that without my faith in God I would be sitting in a hospital with a mental breakdown right now instead of working the process and trying to make it through each day one at a time.

I'm so thankful that God stays by my side always just waiting for me to reach out to Him. God is my blessing in all of this. His comfort wraps me up like a blanket.

I just wish people would stop telling me I can have another child. Another child will not replace the one I lost. Would you tell a child that had a pet die that they can get another one? Would you tell a woman who's husband died she can always get another? Would you tell a grieving mother who lost a 2 year old you can always have another? NO! its not the same one can not replace the other. So why on earth do people say to women who miscarry you can always have another baby. I don't want another baby I want Tristan. I'm not saying I won't try again but a new baby will not make me mourn the loss of Tristan any different. I bonded with Tristan from the moment I knew he was inside me. That was my baby that died, my heart is broken.

The most comforting thing you can do is just tell me you love me, that you're sorry for my loss, and give me a hug. Don't try to think of anything clever to say. It's really that simple. Let me know that I am loved even in my grief.

I know I will get through today because although my world my be standing still in grief the world around me goes on. With God's help I will heal. I will never forget but the hurt will be healed and I will be left with Tristan's footprints on my heart as a reminder that even though I don't hold my angel in my arms I will forever hold my angel in my heart.

"sometimes miracles arrive
so tiny that we cannot feel
the weight of them –
and yet we are still changed,
and we are blessed none the less…"
I found this verse at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-sympathy-cards.html

Processing

I started the GriefShare program yesterday: http://www.griefshare.org/
The reason for me to start this program is my miscarriage of Tristan on September 27, 2009 brought forth with it the unresolved grief of the loss of my father July 8, 1988 and my mother April 26, 1998. As I feel I have processed most of my grief from Tristan I find now that it has reveled the layers of grief underneath. And I felt it was time to address my parent loss so that I can move forward in life with more peace and comfort.

Every event in my life has lead to this very moment in time. Every event in my life has lead me closer to God. If you had told me in 1988 or 1998 that I would be where I am right now I would not have believed you. I had felt forgotten by God. Now I know God was right next to me the whole time just waiting for me to call out, reach out and take Him into my heart. God now dwells within me and it is with His embrace that I will able to move forward through this process.

Day 1 in the exercises asks:
How would you describe your pain?
Answer:
Somedays its not there
Somedays I am numb
Somedays I weep
Somedays I can't function crippled by my grief
Somedays I feel like I'm looking out a cloudy window
Somedays I praise God for blessings
Somedays I curse God for the hurt
Somedays I embrace my grief for what it is
Somedays I try to avoid
Somedays I am kind and caring to myself
Somedays I can be as cruel as the outside world is to me
Its like my pain is a roller coaster with no end.

It takes longer to heal than most people imagine. What concerns or issues does this raise in your mind regarding your situation?
Answer:
Well considering it has been almost 22 years (dad), 12 years (mom) and 4 months (Tristan) if you don't process it early it will continue to creep up on you in your life. Based on my knowledge of things I know it will never go away fully but I would like to get to a place of being at peace with my losses and accept my grief for what it is.

A concern for me is how others might react now that I am processing it 22 & 12 years later. The outside world can be insensitive to grief and mourning. I fear being hurt by peoples words as I finally bring my unresolved grief out in the open.



Through doing this first set of questions I know that grief is natural, I am normal, and with God I am never alone.

Wisdom and Knowledge through God

Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Immersing myself in the Lord leads to better enlightenment and understanding. The Lord is truly the pathway to finding peace and freedom in this busy world we live in. By strengthening my relationship with the Holy One wisdom on how to move through this world will be brought to me. The Lord gives permission to be who you are and feel your feelings because he is there to comfort you when needed you just have to accept His open invitation into your life. He will always walk by your side you just have to allow yourself to feel Him. Reach out and hold is hand in your daily walk you will be amazed at just what the Lord can provide for you. Take a moment be still and listen God is always talking to you if you are ready to hear what he has to say.

Lord,
Thank you for blessing my life. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for your grace. Lord I ask that you help me open the doors inside me that I still lock you out of. Help me to remove all the doors in my soul so that you may be the one who cleans up the messes I have locked away. Through you Lord I will heal all the hurts I have inside. You are the only way to true and total healing.

God's Arms

Psalm 30:11-12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

God is healing my heart. I'm finally starting to move out of my grief. The more I release and trust to God the more I feel healed. As the song goes Heal the Wound but leave a scar. I don't want it all gone because the loss of Tristan is part of me. I just like that I don't have to suffer in my grief any longer. God is so powerful, so faithful, so wonderful. God loves me so much that he always has his arms out reached to me to help me heal. It's my job to reach for those arms and let them embrace me.

God's embrace what a wonderful place to be. No matter my imperfections God still loves me. No matter how many times I take my pains back He is waiting for me to release them back to Him again. No matter what GOD LOVES ME! Wow! God's love and God's people are the key to my healing and staying right.

I can now look back at all the things good or bad in my past and see that they were blessings. Blessings that lead me right to God's arms. It doesn't get much better than that. My life is one of God's blessings. How cool.

Lord,
thank you for your patience with me. thank you for loving me no matter what. thank you for letting me live in a country where I am free to worship You. thank you for helping me find my way. You have been there all along it was I who was lost but through you Lord I am found. Thank you!

A New Year's Wish

Author Unknown

At the sound of the tolling midnight bell
a brand new year will begin.
Let's raise our hopes in a confident toast,
to the promise it ushers in.

May your battles be few, your pleasures many,
your wishes and dreams fulfilled.
May your confidence stand in the face of loss
and give you the strength to rebuild.

May peace of heart fill all your days
may serenity grace your soul.
May tranquil moments bless your life
and keep your spirit whole.