Crushed

So had a talk with my husband yesterday about starting the adoption process early or trying IUI. IUI is out because he said "it doesn't feel right" Adoption has to wait until January ("it's what we agreed on, it's the plan") Plans change, I didn't expect that my cycles would get so out of whack after the endo surgery. Today marks 50 days since the start of my last period. I've taken 6 pregnancy tests over that last 2 weeks all negative. Well then last night he said the one thing that could destroy me, He feels we aren't responsible enough to take care of ourselves and now doesn't want to bring a baby into it. REALLY?! are you kidding me? I am crushed and heartbroken. My dream has always been to be a mom and now my husband of 6 years has taken that away. I am truly lost on what my next step should be. I really wish that I would have known that I wasn't going to be having kids before I married him not after 6 years. I can't stop crying and my heart is shattered. Please pray for me and my husband, I need God's guidance and comfort more than ever.

Bloom Day Release

Well finally did my balloon release for Tristan's Bloom Day. (only 2 days later) I was too heartbroken to write a letter so simply attached a card that said Happy 1st Bloom Day Tristan, Mama misses you very much.

1st Bloom Day

Happy Bloom Day, Tristan. {1 year ago today my baby bloomed in heaven}
Will post my letter and pictures tomorrow.

Pursuit of a Dream

Had my annual OB/GYN visit yesterday and left in tears. Being in the Doctors office triggered memories of my aftercare visit from the miscarriage. Then triggering yet again that I feel like an incomplete woman because I can't seem to get pregnant. My cycles since the Endo surgery 45-47 days Dr says I can't get pregnant with cycles that long. So we've started Provera to kick start my period and this month we move to 100mg of Clomid. I guess I just don't realize how bad I want a baby until I'm confronted with it straight on.

I feel like IVF is going to be our best chance, however since my husband is Catholic and checked the Vatican website and it states no third party involvement, I can take drugs to help it happen "naturally" but we can't use doctors to fertilize. Which means if it doesn't happen naturally then adoption is our only option. I'm just feeling like I'm broken and don't function right.

Sept 27 will be one year since Tristan bloomed in heaven so I guess I just need to be kind to myself during this anniversary time. I just keep reminding myself of two verses in the bible:
Isaiah 55:8-9 : For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts
Jeremiah 29:11 : For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

If you read this I ask that you include me in your prayers over the next couple weeks to help guard me against spiritual attack.

Scared and Hurting

The last two days I've been having pains that remind me of the day I miscarried. I'm very freaked out. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not I still have a couple weeks before I can test. But the pains I'm having are taking me right back to the day I miscarried. My mind is all over the place, I'll go from thinking oh maybe it's just a new baby starting to grow inside of me to, maybe it's just the pains of the endometriosis coming back. I keep praying for God to guide me and comfort me but my mind just can't stay settled. I'm hurting both physically and emotionally today, I just want peace, I'm scared that something else is wrong with me.

I felt like I had been finally starting to move on with my life (living with my grief instead of inside my grief) but as the last two days have proven that I'm not as far along in my process as I thought plus this month Sept 27 will mark one year since Tristan was taken home. My heart is breaking.

I know I have to be kind and patient with myself. TRUST GOD He is my hope and strength.