So it's been four months since my precious Tristan was taken home to God. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. Amazing how you can be going along thinking you're just fine and wham it hits you right in your heart.
I would have been 28 weeks along. Today I feel like a did in the weeks following my miscarriage. So lost and brokenhearted. Turning to God for comfort and courage. God has been my saving grace through this whole process. I truly believe that without my faith in God I would be sitting in a hospital with a mental breakdown right now instead of working the process and trying to make it through each day one at a time.
I'm so thankful that God stays by my side always just waiting for me to reach out to Him. God is my blessing in all of this. His comfort wraps me up like a blanket.
I just wish people would stop telling me I can have another child. Another child will not replace the one I lost. Would you tell a child that had a pet die that they can get another one? Would you tell a woman who's husband died she can always get another? Would you tell a grieving mother who lost a 2 year old you can always have another? NO! its not the same one can not replace the other. So why on earth do people say to women who miscarry you can always have another baby. I don't want another baby I want Tristan. I'm not saying I won't try again but a new baby will not make me mourn the loss of Tristan any different. I bonded with Tristan from the moment I knew he was inside me. That was my baby that died, my heart is broken.
The most comforting thing you can do is just tell me you love me, that you're sorry for my loss, and give me a hug. Don't try to think of anything clever to say. It's really that simple. Let me know that I am loved even in my grief.
I know I will get through today because although my world my be standing still in grief the world around me goes on. With God's help I will heal. I will never forget but the hurt will be healed and I will be left with Tristan's footprints on my heart as a reminder that even though I don't hold my angel in my arms I will forever hold my angel in my heart.
"sometimes miracles arrive
so tiny that we cannot feel
the weight of them –
and yet we are still changed,
and we are blessed none the less…"
I found this verse at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-sympathy-cards.html
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Processing
I started the GriefShare program yesterday: http://www.griefshare.org/
The reason for me to start this program is my miscarriage of Tristan on September 27, 2009 brought forth with it the unresolved grief of the loss of my father July 8, 1988 and my mother April 26, 1998. As I feel I have processed most of my grief from Tristan I find now that it has reveled the layers of grief underneath. And I felt it was time to address my parent loss so that I can move forward in life with more peace and comfort.
Every event in my life has lead to this very moment in time. Every event in my life has lead me closer to God. If you had told me in 1988 or 1998 that I would be where I am right now I would not have believed you. I had felt forgotten by God. Now I know God was right next to me the whole time just waiting for me to call out, reach out and take Him into my heart. God now dwells within me and it is with His embrace that I will able to move forward through this process.
Day 1 in the exercises asks:
How would you describe your pain?
Answer:
Somedays its not there
Somedays I am numb
Somedays I weep
Somedays I can't function crippled by my grief
Somedays I feel like I'm looking out a cloudy window
Somedays I praise God for blessings
Somedays I curse God for the hurt
Somedays I embrace my grief for what it is
Somedays I try to avoid
Somedays I am kind and caring to myself
Somedays I can be as cruel as the outside world is to me
Its like my pain is a roller coaster with no end.
It takes longer to heal than most people imagine. What concerns or issues does this raise in your mind regarding your situation?
Answer:
Well considering it has been almost 22 years (dad), 12 years (mom) and 4 months (Tristan) if you don't process it early it will continue to creep up on you in your life. Based on my knowledge of things I know it will never go away fully but I would like to get to a place of being at peace with my losses and accept my grief for what it is.
A concern for me is how others might react now that I am processing it 22 & 12 years later. The outside world can be insensitive to grief and mourning. I fear being hurt by peoples words as I finally bring my unresolved grief out in the open.
Through doing this first set of questions I know that grief is natural, I am normal, and with God I am never alone.
The reason for me to start this program is my miscarriage of Tristan on September 27, 2009 brought forth with it the unresolved grief of the loss of my father July 8, 1988 and my mother April 26, 1998. As I feel I have processed most of my grief from Tristan I find now that it has reveled the layers of grief underneath. And I felt it was time to address my parent loss so that I can move forward in life with more peace and comfort.
Every event in my life has lead to this very moment in time. Every event in my life has lead me closer to God. If you had told me in 1988 or 1998 that I would be where I am right now I would not have believed you. I had felt forgotten by God. Now I know God was right next to me the whole time just waiting for me to call out, reach out and take Him into my heart. God now dwells within me and it is with His embrace that I will able to move forward through this process.
Day 1 in the exercises asks:
How would you describe your pain?
Answer:
Somedays its not there
Somedays I am numb
Somedays I weep
Somedays I can't function crippled by my grief
Somedays I feel like I'm looking out a cloudy window
Somedays I praise God for blessings
Somedays I curse God for the hurt
Somedays I embrace my grief for what it is
Somedays I try to avoid
Somedays I am kind and caring to myself
Somedays I can be as cruel as the outside world is to me
Its like my pain is a roller coaster with no end.
It takes longer to heal than most people imagine. What concerns or issues does this raise in your mind regarding your situation?
Answer:
Well considering it has been almost 22 years (dad), 12 years (mom) and 4 months (Tristan) if you don't process it early it will continue to creep up on you in your life. Based on my knowledge of things I know it will never go away fully but I would like to get to a place of being at peace with my losses and accept my grief for what it is.
A concern for me is how others might react now that I am processing it 22 & 12 years later. The outside world can be insensitive to grief and mourning. I fear being hurt by peoples words as I finally bring my unresolved grief out in the open.
Through doing this first set of questions I know that grief is natural, I am normal, and with God I am never alone.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wisdom and Knowledge through God
Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Immersing myself in the Lord leads to better enlightenment and understanding. The Lord is truly the pathway to finding peace and freedom in this busy world we live in. By strengthening my relationship with the Holy One wisdom on how to move through this world will be brought to me. The Lord gives permission to be who you are and feel your feelings because he is there to comfort you when needed you just have to accept His open invitation into your life. He will always walk by your side you just have to allow yourself to feel Him. Reach out and hold is hand in your daily walk you will be amazed at just what the Lord can provide for you. Take a moment be still and listen God is always talking to you if you are ready to hear what he has to say.
Lord,
Thank you for blessing my life. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for your grace. Lord I ask that you help me open the doors inside me that I still lock you out of. Help me to remove all the doors in my soul so that you may be the one who cleans up the messes I have locked away. Through you Lord I will heal all the hurts I have inside. You are the only way to true and total healing.
Immersing myself in the Lord leads to better enlightenment and understanding. The Lord is truly the pathway to finding peace and freedom in this busy world we live in. By strengthening my relationship with the Holy One wisdom on how to move through this world will be brought to me. The Lord gives permission to be who you are and feel your feelings because he is there to comfort you when needed you just have to accept His open invitation into your life. He will always walk by your side you just have to allow yourself to feel Him. Reach out and hold is hand in your daily walk you will be amazed at just what the Lord can provide for you. Take a moment be still and listen God is always talking to you if you are ready to hear what he has to say.
Lord,
Thank you for blessing my life. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for your grace. Lord I ask that you help me open the doors inside me that I still lock you out of. Help me to remove all the doors in my soul so that you may be the one who cleans up the messes I have locked away. Through you Lord I will heal all the hurts I have inside. You are the only way to true and total healing.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
God's Arms
Psalm 30:11-12 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
God is healing my heart. I'm finally starting to move out of my grief. The more I release and trust to God the more I feel healed. As the song goes Heal the Wound but leave a scar. I don't want it all gone because the loss of Tristan is part of me. I just like that I don't have to suffer in my grief any longer. God is so powerful, so faithful, so wonderful. God loves me so much that he always has his arms out reached to me to help me heal. It's my job to reach for those arms and let them embrace me.
God's embrace what a wonderful place to be. No matter my imperfections God still loves me. No matter how many times I take my pains back He is waiting for me to release them back to Him again. No matter what GOD LOVES ME! Wow! God's love and God's people are the key to my healing and staying right.
I can now look back at all the things good or bad in my past and see that they were blessings. Blessings that lead me right to God's arms. It doesn't get much better than that. My life is one of God's blessings. How cool.
Lord,
thank you for your patience with me. thank you for loving me no matter what. thank you for letting me live in a country where I am free to worship You. thank you for helping me find my way. You have been there all along it was I who was lost but through you Lord I am found. Thank you!
God is healing my heart. I'm finally starting to move out of my grief. The more I release and trust to God the more I feel healed. As the song goes Heal the Wound but leave a scar. I don't want it all gone because the loss of Tristan is part of me. I just like that I don't have to suffer in my grief any longer. God is so powerful, so faithful, so wonderful. God loves me so much that he always has his arms out reached to me to help me heal. It's my job to reach for those arms and let them embrace me.
God's embrace what a wonderful place to be. No matter my imperfections God still loves me. No matter how many times I take my pains back He is waiting for me to release them back to Him again. No matter what GOD LOVES ME! Wow! God's love and God's people are the key to my healing and staying right.
I can now look back at all the things good or bad in my past and see that they were blessings. Blessings that lead me right to God's arms. It doesn't get much better than that. My life is one of God's blessings. How cool.
Lord,
thank you for your patience with me. thank you for loving me no matter what. thank you for letting me live in a country where I am free to worship You. thank you for helping me find my way. You have been there all along it was I who was lost but through you Lord I am found. Thank you!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
A New Year's Wish
Author Unknown
At the sound of the tolling midnight bell
a brand new year will begin.
Let's raise our hopes in a confident toast,
to the promise it ushers in.
May your battles be few, your pleasures many,
your wishes and dreams fulfilled.
May your confidence stand in the face of loss
and give you the strength to rebuild.
May peace of heart fill all your days
may serenity grace your soul.
May tranquil moments bless your life
and keep your spirit whole.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Vision
My daily devotional presented me with this:
When you ask God for a vision you're likely to be placed in a field of opportunities concealed under acres of obstacles. Then He will stand back and watch how you engage in the ministry of obstacle management!
And from a second source I was presented with this message:
That circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you.
I believe the losses in my life has hindered my vision. I've lost sight of the vision of my life. I just sit and do very little but grieve and escape my life. Is this God's vision for my life? I think not. I need to refocus on what God's purpose is for me. My life has had so many obstacles and my obstacle management was simply to avoid them instead of overcome them. When you avoid obstacles they pile up until you are ready to deal with them head on. And to take them all at once head on is overwhelming. I need to line them up and now face them one at a time, take them on and work through them this time not avoid them.
The loss of Tristan has allowed a number of unresolved obstacles to present themselves to me. It's no wonder why I'm avoiding life - I'm simply overwhelmed by all the obstacles piling up on me at once. Yes I grieve the loss of my little one but I believe it has broken a flood gate of other grief. The grief of the death of my father, the grief of the death of my mother, lost dreams, lost hopes, feelings of abandonment, dealing with emotional abuse that I experienced as a child, lost friendships, loss of self.
The world can look pretty dark and scary when you are carrying around so much weight. My grief suitcase is very very heavy. It's time to start to unpack some of these obstacles that are standing in the way of my life vision. God has truly used my loss of Tristan to help heal my whole self. If I just peek over the pile of obstacles in front of me I can see that God has great things in store for me. Even more wonderful God is my strength to work through the obstacles this time. Through faith, love, perseverance and God's help I will make it to the other side of my obstacle mountain.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your faithful love, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for seeing my heart, thank you for believing in me even when I don't. Lord you are the strength and way to overcoming what holds me back in my life's vision. Thank you for presenting me with the path to overcome.
When you ask God for a vision you're likely to be placed in a field of opportunities concealed under acres of obstacles. Then He will stand back and watch how you engage in the ministry of obstacle management!
And from a second source I was presented with this message:
That circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you.
I believe the losses in my life has hindered my vision. I've lost sight of the vision of my life. I just sit and do very little but grieve and escape my life. Is this God's vision for my life? I think not. I need to refocus on what God's purpose is for me. My life has had so many obstacles and my obstacle management was simply to avoid them instead of overcome them. When you avoid obstacles they pile up until you are ready to deal with them head on. And to take them all at once head on is overwhelming. I need to line them up and now face them one at a time, take them on and work through them this time not avoid them.
The loss of Tristan has allowed a number of unresolved obstacles to present themselves to me. It's no wonder why I'm avoiding life - I'm simply overwhelmed by all the obstacles piling up on me at once. Yes I grieve the loss of my little one but I believe it has broken a flood gate of other grief. The grief of the death of my father, the grief of the death of my mother, lost dreams, lost hopes, feelings of abandonment, dealing with emotional abuse that I experienced as a child, lost friendships, loss of self.
The world can look pretty dark and scary when you are carrying around so much weight. My grief suitcase is very very heavy. It's time to start to unpack some of these obstacles that are standing in the way of my life vision. God has truly used my loss of Tristan to help heal my whole self. If I just peek over the pile of obstacles in front of me I can see that God has great things in store for me. Even more wonderful God is my strength to work through the obstacles this time. Through faith, love, perseverance and God's help I will make it to the other side of my obstacle mountain.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your faithful love, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for seeing my heart, thank you for believing in me even when I don't. Lord you are the strength and way to overcoming what holds me back in my life's vision. Thank you for presenting me with the path to overcome.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Cloudy Windows
I feel like I'm viewing the world through a cloudy window. My grief has just enveloped me to the point it is making it so I can't see the world clearly. I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. I am hoping it's just because of Christmas that I'm feeling this way. Once Christmas passes I hope to start to feel better again at least until my due date approaches.
I never thought that my whole view of the world and the things around me would be altered by my grief. I feel so empty without Tristan growing inside of me. I'd be about 22 weeks along if I still had Tristan. I feel like a lost soul. I feel like I'm defective or broken.
I do find peace from time to time with God but my earthly mind and body keep a hold of this instead of releasing it to God. One day I'm up, one day I'm down. When I think I've got myself back together again I get another bill in the mail in regards to my miscarriage. It sometimes feels like some kind of cruel joke.
I've been trying to think of my blessings. Something I did think about today is that maybe my miscarriage was to prepare me to love a living child even more than I ever could. I have a fear of not bonding with my child maybe my miscarriage was to help me want to bond even further. There is a part of me that fears ever having to go through this again but if I don't try then I may miss out on the greatest blessing ever to hold a child in my arms and love him/her more than anything.
I long for a child and some days I wish my husband would agree to adoption because there are so many children in the world who need a loving home. But I don't dare push right now because I know my view of things is very clouded and I'm having trouble seeing things clearly.
I know this cloud over me will not last forever but I do need some relief from it if only for a little while.
God, I know you have plans that I do not know for my life. I am thankful for all the blessings you have presented to me. Please Lord help show me the way to peace so I can have some rest from these intense feelings. Thank you!
I never thought that my whole view of the world and the things around me would be altered by my grief. I feel so empty without Tristan growing inside of me. I'd be about 22 weeks along if I still had Tristan. I feel like a lost soul. I feel like I'm defective or broken.
I do find peace from time to time with God but my earthly mind and body keep a hold of this instead of releasing it to God. One day I'm up, one day I'm down. When I think I've got myself back together again I get another bill in the mail in regards to my miscarriage. It sometimes feels like some kind of cruel joke.
I've been trying to think of my blessings. Something I did think about today is that maybe my miscarriage was to prepare me to love a living child even more than I ever could. I have a fear of not bonding with my child maybe my miscarriage was to help me want to bond even further. There is a part of me that fears ever having to go through this again but if I don't try then I may miss out on the greatest blessing ever to hold a child in my arms and love him/her more than anything.
I long for a child and some days I wish my husband would agree to adoption because there are so many children in the world who need a loving home. But I don't dare push right now because I know my view of things is very clouded and I'm having trouble seeing things clearly.
I know this cloud over me will not last forever but I do need some relief from it if only for a little while.
God, I know you have plans that I do not know for my life. I am thankful for all the blessings you have presented to me. Please Lord help show me the way to peace so I can have some rest from these intense feelings. Thank you!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Giving to God
Over the last week I have read and heard a number of messages that basically say give it to God, Give yourself to God, Turn it over to God. Today's message from Bob Perks - I wish you enough. Posed the question: "If I were there that sacred evening drawn by the light of the star of Bethlehem what gift would I offer Him?" Well based on all the messages God has sent my way over this week. I would only have myself to offer Him. My question is "Am I worthy to be His gift?"
He gave His son as my gift to live in this world, now my goal is to be a worthy gift to the Lord. As I work on changing the way I view myself and the world around me I noticed something. Why is it that the negative messages are given more power? In the news, in TV programs, even on the radio why is the focus on the bad things that happen in the world. If that focus was shifted to the positive would we all view ourselves in a better light? For women if the magazines didn't focus on the "perfect body" would we just accept ourselves as we are just as Jesus accepts us right were we are at. If the news focused on the reason for the season: the Lord of Lords would parents worry so much about getting that perfect toy for their child or would they just feel the blessing of having their family and friends gathered round.
I am working on bringing my focus back to the basics. God & Family. All the stuff just doesn't matter. Am I worthy of being presented to the Lord as a gift? Maybe not but I'm working on it. By being a vessel for His work, by giving thanks to Him for everything, by being a shining light in the darkness, I can be that worthy gift presented to Him.
Tristan was a perfect gift, never born into this world, never tarnished by the negative. I miss my little angel terribly but to think that God has used my loss of Tristan to make me into a worthy gift for Him (Lord). How amazing! If I pull my miscarriage into the light and view it out of the darkness. I see a gift from the Lord, a gift to mold and shape me into the person worthy of being presented to Jesus. My earthly body and mind long to hold Tristan, to hear him cry, laugh, to see his smile, to watch him grow. I some days ache with pain over my loss. But on the days when I fully turn my grief over to God those are the days I see clearly what a gift I have been presented with. Not in my time, in God's time. Let Go, Let God.
Jesus is the reason for the season. This helps remind me that thorough Jesus I can be a worthy gift not only to our Lord but to help spread the word of God through me. To stand up for what I believe. To live out the blessings, to share the experiences. God has been using me for His purpose from the very beginning of my creation. Every experience and brought me to the perfect place the perfect time to realize I am one of God's perfect gifts.
He gave His son as my gift to live in this world, now my goal is to be a worthy gift to the Lord. As I work on changing the way I view myself and the world around me I noticed something. Why is it that the negative messages are given more power? In the news, in TV programs, even on the radio why is the focus on the bad things that happen in the world. If that focus was shifted to the positive would we all view ourselves in a better light? For women if the magazines didn't focus on the "perfect body" would we just accept ourselves as we are just as Jesus accepts us right were we are at. If the news focused on the reason for the season: the Lord of Lords would parents worry so much about getting that perfect toy for their child or would they just feel the blessing of having their family and friends gathered round.
I am working on bringing my focus back to the basics. God & Family. All the stuff just doesn't matter. Am I worthy of being presented to the Lord as a gift? Maybe not but I'm working on it. By being a vessel for His work, by giving thanks to Him for everything, by being a shining light in the darkness, I can be that worthy gift presented to Him.
Tristan was a perfect gift, never born into this world, never tarnished by the negative. I miss my little angel terribly but to think that God has used my loss of Tristan to make me into a worthy gift for Him (Lord). How amazing! If I pull my miscarriage into the light and view it out of the darkness. I see a gift from the Lord, a gift to mold and shape me into the person worthy of being presented to Jesus. My earthly body and mind long to hold Tristan, to hear him cry, laugh, to see his smile, to watch him grow. I some days ache with pain over my loss. But on the days when I fully turn my grief over to God those are the days I see clearly what a gift I have been presented with. Not in my time, in God's time. Let Go, Let God.
Jesus is the reason for the season. This helps remind me that thorough Jesus I can be a worthy gift not only to our Lord but to help spread the word of God through me. To stand up for what I believe. To live out the blessings, to share the experiences. God has been using me for His purpose from the very beginning of my creation. Every experience and brought me to the perfect place the perfect time to realize I am one of God's perfect gifts.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Rejoice in my Suffering?
This is some of my Walk in the Word this week. I found it very fitting:
Why is it that Christ seems so near during times of hardship? It's "the fellowship of His sufferings" that Philippians 3:10 talks about. Does Jesus know about suffering? Yes, He does. So when we suffer, we feel an affinity with Him. There's a way that He draws near to us like in no other way; as Hebrews 4 says, "He's touched with the feelings of our infirmities." First Peter 4:13 says, "But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Rejoice . . . rejoice. Twice in one verse, in the middle of a discussion on suffering, we're told to rejoice.
Why is it that Christ seems so near during times of hardship? It's "the fellowship of His sufferings" that Philippians 3:10 talks about. Does Jesus know about suffering? Yes, He does. So when we suffer, we feel an affinity with Him. There's a way that He draws near to us like in no other way; as Hebrews 4 says, "He's touched with the feelings of our infirmities." First Peter 4:13 says, "But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Rejoice . . . rejoice. Twice in one verse, in the middle of a discussion on suffering, we're told to rejoice.
Why would I rejoice in my suffering?
Here's why: You share in Christ's suffering. You have a new understanding and new connection with Jesus. Some people say this verse is talking about a future time when we'll be glad when His glory is revealed to the world. It could also mean that we'll be glad when His glory is revealed in us - that we'll rejoice when we look in the mirror and see a different person, because the glory of Christ will be more revealed through our lives. Both options are pretty cool, and we can hold out this truth either way: there's a closeness with the Lord that comes through trials that doesn't come any other way. Rejoice in this opportunity.
I love the idea of sharing in Christ's Suffering and that brings me closer to Him. To be able to rejoice in my trials and view my hardship as a blessing. What a tall order. I know it can be done but only through Christ himself. If I sift through the emotions and reveal was it underneath it all I can see how such a thing could be true. But its the devil who keeps me stuck in my emotions and unable to see beyond them. God stands right beside me the whole way whispering the truths and reaching for my hand to guide me. But I have to stop and listen and then reach for a hand I can not see. FAITH tells me that hand is there for me to reach for. FAITH is what I need to focus on. God loves me so much that no matter what I have done in my life He has stood by me just waiting for me to be quiet long enough to hear him and finally reach for His hand. Lord I am there. I know I have only been meeting you half way in the last couple months but I am ready to walk hand in hand with you. Allow you to be my one and only guiding light along this path I walk. You and only you are my pathway to peace and when I finally stop taking the paved paths in front of me and stop to walk the path you reveal only then will I see how my hardships and trials have been blessings only looking back from Your way will I be able to see how far I've come, and wonder in amazement how the heck I made it through and my answer will be FAITH in the Lord. Thank You Jesus!
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