It's been a long time

Well thought I should update my blog, since I'm dealing with stuff that needs the support of those who can understand.

Last month I started having extreme pelvic pain again. Saw a Dr turns out I have a 9cm cyst on my right ovary. My OB/Gyn is highly suggesting I get a hysterectomy due to my history of endometriosis referred me to a GYN/Oncologist for the surgery after meeting with the GYN/Oncologist he is suggesting I either do Lupron with add back therapy or have the hysterectomy either way we are going to put my body into menopause. I'm not ready for that I don't have children yet. I have a big decision to make, right now I'm leaning toward the drugs but I am freaked out about it all.

So in my stable mind I know everything in God's time, God sometimes will close a door so we can see the open window he wants us to crawl through. Not my plans but His. With that said for some reason I'm just not ready to close the door to the option of having natural children yet. I've been trying to wrap my head around and embrace the idea of adoption I'm just not fully there yet.

Tomorrow is Tristan's 2nd Bloomday, it still baffles me how I can miss a child I never got to meet but I do I miss my baby I have a friend with a child just about the age Tristan should be and sometimes it breaks my heart for what I'm missing out on. I know God has his plans and Tristan was a huge part of that plan, but my heart still breaks for my little angel.

Twas the Night Before Christmas” ~ For Bereaved Parents ~

‘Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days,
That I knew I was facing – the holiday craze.
The stores were all filled with holiday lights,
In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night.

As others were making their holiday plans,
My heart was breaking – I couldn’t understand.
I had lost my dear child a few years before,
And I knew what my holiday had in store.

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound,
I sprang to my feet and was looking around,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The sight that I saw took my breath away,
And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near.
With beauty and grace they performed a dance,
I knew in a moment this wasn’t by chance.

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above,
That my child was still near me and that I was loved.
The message they brought was my holiday gift,
And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself.

As I knelt closer to get a better view,
One allowed me to pet it – as if it knew -
That I needed the touch of its fragile wings,
To help me get through the holiday scene.

In the days that followed I carried the thought,
Of the message the butterflies left in my heart -
That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead,
Our children are with us – they’re not really dead.

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears,
A message of hope – a message so dear.
And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight,
“To all bereaved parents – We love you tonight!”

found this at: http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=137649266293654&id=1394735912#!/topic.php?uid=134095379934833&topic=250

First Christmas

It just hit me. Had Tristan been born on his due date, this would be the first Christmas. My heart is breaking.

Got the call

FSH level is at a 9
We have a chance, another round of Clomid and the fight with the insurance company to cover everything. I'm starting to think injections are going to be our best bet but insurance won't cover.

I found this:
1991 Ohio Rev. Code Ann. Section 1751.01(A)(7)
Coverage
* Requires HMOs to cover “basic health care services” including infertility services, when they are medically necessary
* Diagnostic and exploratory procedures are covered, including surgical procedures to correct the medically diagnosed disease or condition of the reproductive organs including, but not limited to: endometriosis; collapsed/clogged fallopian tubes; testicular failure
* IVF, GIFT and ZIFT may be covered, but are not required by the law

Exceptions
* Employers who self-insure are exempt from the requirements of the law

http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/payingfortreatment/state-mandatedinsurancelist.jsp#Ohio

Just gotta find out if hubby's company is self-insured or not to see if we can force them to cover treatments based on this law. Like struggling with infertility isn't enough I now have to fight the insurance.

RE Visit

Saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist today he is telling me we have a 8% chance of getting pregnant naturally. I'm a little ok a lot crushed by this news. We did blood work to test my FSH levels to find out if I still have enough eggs to even try to move forward to with this. Hubby is also getting his sperm checked on Friday. Interesting fact the Dr gave us most of the time a women who struggles to get pregnant is paired with a man with a lower sperm count. So check the quality of my eggs and his sperm once we know the results we move forward with either drug treatments or adoption.

I went in looking for hope and left with the thought basically I think we need a miracle to get pregnant.

Please continue to pray for us.

Newest Development

So the doctor did call me to talk about the results, they found a growth similar to what I had when they found the Endometriosis the first time. She also ordered some blood work be done to check hormone levels. well my progesterone levels are too low, she doesn't think I ovulated last month. Why am I taking drugs to help with this that make me crazy if they aren't working? I just don't understand. I too believe the Endo is back because I've been very tired, having back pain and I've had pains similar to period pains for the last 2-3 weeks.

the decision I've made: time for a new doctor. I will be calling Dr. NeeOo Chin today to see if I can get an appointment. I think it's time to see a reproductive endocrinologist instead of my Ob/Gyn.

What a journey this has been - as I learn more about Endometriosis I'm starting to feel like mine was not treated properly and it was 100% going to come back because of it. You put your trust in your doctor because you don't know any better. I'm not the one who went to school for this, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you almost have to become your own doctor because they are not honest with you and if it's something they are not familiar with, shouldn't they refer you to another doctor that is? I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I need to forgive so this doesn't weigh on me. I truly believe that my path is adoption but my heart longs to carry my child inside of me. I read something yesterday that said "The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is" Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else is

So I am now going to choose to Lead my heart and not Follow it. Following it just hurts too much.

Doctors Stink

Had my Ultra sound yesterday to find out if my follicles are maturing. The ultra sound tech says I'm going to page the Dr I said is something wrong she says no it's normal for us to page the doctor. You should get a call later. (I'm not so sure it is normal so my mind is going through all kinds of scenarios) I wanted until 3:30 and call the Dr office myself. I was told my Dr would call me Friday I said well since we are dealing with maturing follicles here isn't this a timely matter. I was told your follicle is not mature and the doctor will call you Friday. I said I don't understand can you explain this to me. She says that's all I can say the Dr will call you Friday. Really I have to wait!!!!???? Now mind you I'm already upset because every time I have to have a vaginal ultra sound it takes me right back to the day of my miscarriage so now I'm just so upset and don't even know what to do with myself. There is a big part of me that just wants to give up and say you know what we just aren't meant to have kids and start saving money to move forward with adoption. I'm brokenhearted yet again. How many times does my heart have to break before I see the light? God, I need you, I know you're there, help me!

Update

Finally go my period on Oct 7 did my round of clomid and by George I think we have ovulation. Going tomorrow to have an ultra sound done to see if my eggs are maturing (not sure I understand this) I'll ask more questions tomorrow. But I've got what I call ovulation pains so this is a good thing. Maybe just maybe this will be our month. Who knows.

We adopted a dog a Golden Retriever/Bassett mix. She is super sweet and I love having her to focus my time and energy on. She is a wonderful distraction.
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Oct 15

National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day.

Thinking of Tristan today and praying for peace to all the other Mommies of Angels who feel this same hurt of not having their babies with them.

Crushed

So had a talk with my husband yesterday about starting the adoption process early or trying IUI. IUI is out because he said "it doesn't feel right" Adoption has to wait until January ("it's what we agreed on, it's the plan") Plans change, I didn't expect that my cycles would get so out of whack after the endo surgery. Today marks 50 days since the start of my last period. I've taken 6 pregnancy tests over that last 2 weeks all negative. Well then last night he said the one thing that could destroy me, He feels we aren't responsible enough to take care of ourselves and now doesn't want to bring a baby into it. REALLY?! are you kidding me? I am crushed and heartbroken. My dream has always been to be a mom and now my husband of 6 years has taken that away. I am truly lost on what my next step should be. I really wish that I would have known that I wasn't going to be having kids before I married him not after 6 years. I can't stop crying and my heart is shattered. Please pray for me and my husband, I need God's guidance and comfort more than ever.